Simpsons Chalkboard Gags

Episodes are listed in broadcast sequence 
Episode numbers indicate the quote used when the episode was shown for the first time; in some cases, the one used in Canada is listed where it was "original" and the USA one was repeated 
All quotes were originally in all capital letters, but any punctuation appears as it did in the original quotes 
Quotes in red are done by Bart during the episode rather than at the beginning 


7G08 None - Christmas Special 
7G02 I will not waste chalk 
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls 
7G04 I will not burp in class 
7G05 None 
7G06 I will not instigate revolution 
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class 
7G07 I did not see Elvis 
7G11 None 
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes" 
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny 
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me 
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom 
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life 
7F02 Tar is not a plaything 
7F04 None - Halloween Special 
7F01 I will not Xerox my butt 
7F01 It's potato, not potatoe 
This was used for the second airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan Quayle's gaffe while visiting a school) 
7F05 I will not trade pants with others 
7F08 I am not a 32 year old woman 
To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy 
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue 
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car 
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart 
7F10 I will not sell school property 
7F11 I will not cut corners 
It actually looks like this: 
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS
" " " " " "
" " " " " "


7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude 
7F13 I will not make flatuent noises in class 
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem 
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida 
7F14 Repeat of 7F10 
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars 
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment 
7F19 None 
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again 
7F21 I will not show off 
This was written in an "Olde English"-style font 
7F22 I will not sleep through my education 
7F24 I am not a dentist 
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech 
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers 
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner 
8F04 I will not squeak chalk 
Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this 
8F05 I will finish what I sta 
This appears on one line; the rest is blank 
8F02 None - Halloween Special 
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender 
8F07 I will not fake rabies 
This never appeared in original airings in the USA, but did in Canada 
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside 
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink 
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail 
8F11 I will not carve gods 
8F12 None 
8F14 I will not spank others 
8F16 None 
8F13 I will not aim for the head 
8F15 I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty 
Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers 
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge 
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills 
8F20 Funny noises are not funny 
8F21 I will not spin the turtle 
8F22 I will not snap bras 
8F23 I will not fake seizures 
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless 
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death 
9F01 I will not defame New Orleans 
New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!" 
9F02 I will not prescribe medication 
Originally, the FOX showings had no chalkboard for 9F01 and the New Orleans one for 9F02, while Canadian showings had them as listed 
9F04 None - Halloween Special 
9F03 I will not bury the new kid 
During the episode, Marge writes "I will try to raise a better child" 
9F05 I will not teach others to fly 
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class 
9F07 A burp is not an answer 
9F08 Teacher is not a leper 
9F09 Coffee is not for kids 
Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl 
9F10 I will not eat things for money 
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call 
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee 
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head" 
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce 
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups 
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants 
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures 
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog 
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity 
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom 
9F21 I will never win an Emmy 
This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show had won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past) 
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy 
1F02 None 
1F01 None 
1F04 None - Halloween Special 
1F03 None 
1F05 None 
1F06 None 
1F07 All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy 
This was not written "line by line" like the others 
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause 
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers 
1F11 My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man 
A reference to "The Fugitive" 
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle 
1F12 None 
1F13 None 
1F14 I am not delightfully saucy 
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals 
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan 
1F18 I will not celebrate meaningless milestones 
This was first used for the 100th new episode 
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business 
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball 
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun 
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical 
1F17 Repeat of 9F17 
2F33 I will not use abbrev. 
2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr. 
2F02 None 
2F03 None - Halloween Special 
2F04 I will not send lard through the mail 
2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed 
2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap 
2F07 Repeat of 1F11 
2F08 Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough 
2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal 
2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice 
2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does 
2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding 
2F13 I will not hang donuts on my person 
2F14 I will remember to take my medication 
2F31 None 
2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place 
2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far 
2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first graders 
2F32 Nerve gas is not a toy 
2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface 
2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping 
2F16 This is not a clue...or is it? 
In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns 
2F20 I will not complain about the solution when I hear it 
In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed 
2F17 "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism 
3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits 
3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine 
3F03 The boys room is not a water park 
3F04 None - Halloween Special 
3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage 
3F06 None 
3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things 
3F31 I will only do this once a year 
...which is once a year too many for clip shows 
3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist 
3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos 
3F09 None 
3F11 None 
3F12 None 
3F13 None 
3F14 None 
3F16 None 
3F15 None 
3F17 None 
3F18 None 
3F19 None 
3F20 None 
3F21 None 
3F22 None 
4F02 None - Halloween Special 
3F23 I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten 
4F03 I am not my long-lost twin 
4F05 None 
4F06 None 
4F04 None 
4F01 None 
During the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period) 
4F07 None 
3F24 None 
3G01 The truth is not out there 
A reference to "The X-Files" 
4F08 I am not licensed to do anything 
4F10 None 
3G03 I will not hide the teacher's Prozac 
4F12 None 
4F11 I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face 
Actually, this episode had no blackboard opening; Jason Fox drew this in the comic strip "FoxTrot" on the day this episode premiered - I just want to see who is "borrowing" my lists while removing things like the notes (and my name) 
4F14 None 
4F13 None 
4F15 None 
4F09 None 
4F16 A fire drill does not demand a fire 
4F17 None 
4F18 None 
4F19 None 
4F20 None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase 
4F21 None 
4F22 None 
4F23 None 
3G02 I no longer want my MTV 
5F02 None - Halloween Special 
5F01 Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story 
5F03 I did not invent Irish dancing 
5F04 None 
5F05 I will not tease Fatty 
5F06 There was no Roman god named "Fartacus" 
5F07 Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related 
5F24 None 
5F08 None 
5F23 Shooting paintballs is not an art form 
5F11 None 
5F10 Pain is not the cleanser 
5F12 Silly String is not a nasal spray 
4F24 None 
5F13 I was not told to do this 
3G04 My butt does not deserve a website 
5F14 I will not demand what I'm worth 
A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money 
5F15 None 
5F09 I will not mess with the opening credits 
This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom 
5F16 None 
5F17 I am not the new Dalai Lama 
5F18 I was not the inspiration for "Kramer" 
This was first shown three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld" 
5F20 None 
5F21 I will not file frivolous lawsuits 
5F22 None 
AABF01 The Simpsons Halloween Special IX 
This was painted on the board in blood with a large brush 
5F19 "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address 
Originally, "butt.com" appeared in place of "butt.butt", but it was changed as butt.com is an actual web site address; however, "butt.com" still appeared in Canada 
AABF02 No one cares what my definition of "is" is 
Which is not quite true in President Clinton's case 
AABF03 I will not scream for ice cream 
AABF04 I am not a licensed hairstylist 
AABF05 "The President did it" is not an excuse 
This was first shown the day after President Clinton became the first elected President to be impeached (Andrew Johnson, the only other President to be impeached, became President because he was Vice-President when Lincoln was killed) 
AABF06 My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld 
AABF07 Sherri does not "got back" 
AABF08 I will not do the Dirty Bird 
The "dirty bird" is the "celebration dance" of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the teams in the 1999 Super Bowl 
AABF09 No one wants to hear about my sciatica 
AABF11 Hillbillies are people too 
AABF10 Grammar is not a time of waste 
AABF12 Repeat of 9F20 
AABF13 It does not suck to be you 
AABF14 I cannot absolve sins 
In the Moses story, Bart carves "I Will Not Deface" (actually, "I Well Knot D-Face") in hieroglyphics 
AABF15 A trained ape could not teach gym 
AABF16 Loose teeth don't need my help 
AABF17 I have neither been there nor done that 
AABF18 Repeat of 3F01 
AABF20 I'm so very tired 
AABF23 Fridays are not "pants optional" 
AABF22 Pork is not a verb 
AABF21 I am not the last Don 
BABF01 None - Halloween Special 
AABF19 I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize 
BABF02 I won't not use no double negatives 
BABF03 Repeat of 3F05 
BABF05 I can't see dead people 
A reference to the movie "The Sixth Sense" (coincidentally, Haley Joel Osment, who played the boy in the movie who could see dead people, was at one time the voice of Curly on "Hey Arnold!", which was created by Matt Groening's brother-in-law) 
BABF07 I will not sell my kidney on eBay 
Unlike most, if not all, of Bart's other blackboard quotes, this one was not all caps (the "e" in "eBay" was small); also, Lisa writes "I will not do math in class" during the show 
BABF04 I will not create art from dung 
A reference to an art exhibit in New York City that included a portrait of the Virgin Mary splattered with dung 
BABF06 I will stop phoning it in 
BABF08 Class clown is not a paid position 
BABF09 Substitute teachers are not scabs 
BABF10 My suspension was not "mutual" 
BABF11 A belch is not an oral report 
BABF12 Dodgeball stops at the gym door 
BABF13 "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge 
BABF14 I was not touched "there" by an angel 
BABF16 I am not here on a fartball scholarship 
BABF15 I will not dance on anyone's grave 
BABF18 I cannot hire a substitute student 
BABF19 I will not obey the voices in my head 
BABF21 None - Halloween Special 
BABF20 I will not plant subliminal messagores 
The parts in green appeared in green on the show
A reference to the "subliminal message" claim during the 2000 USA Presidential Election campaign; during a Republican commercial, the word "RAT" appeared briefly while Democrats were being mentioned 
BABF17 I will not surprise the incontinent 
CABF01 I am not the acting President 
A reference to the 2000 USA Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode first aired 
CABF04 I was not the sixth Beatle 
CABF02 I will only provide a urine sample when asked 
CABF03 The nurse is not dealing 
CABF06 Science class should not end in tragedy 
During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "I ain't not a dorkus" 
BABF22 Network TV is not dead 
CABF05 I will not "let the dogs out" 
CABF08 I will not hide the teacher's medication 
CABF07 I will not publish the Principal's credit report 
CABF10 The hamster did not have "a full life" 
CABF12 I will not buy a Presidential pardon 
A reference to ex-President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations/payments which might be "a conflict of interest" 
CABF09 "Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap 
A reference to a Fox television series where couples were sent to an island filled with singles to test their commitment 
CABF11 I will not scare the Vice President 
A reference to USA Vice-President Dick Cheney being in the hosiptal with a heart condition 
CABF13 I will not flush evidence 
CABF14 Fire is not the cleanser 
CABF15 Genetics is not an excuse 
CABF16 Today is not Mothra's day 
Originally aired on Mother's Day (May 13), 2001 
CABF17 I should not be twenty-one by now 
He would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally 
CABF19 None - Halloween Special 
CABF22 Nobody reads these anymore 
CABF20 A burp in a jar is not a science project 
CABF18 Fun does not have a size 
CABF21 I am not Charlie Brown on acid 
DABF02 I do not have a cereal named after me 
When this episode first aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch (along with Homer's Cinnamon Donut Cereal) 
DABF01 None 
DABF03 None 
DABF05 None 
DABF04 I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers 
Probably a response to a gag in DABF03 when Butterfingers were thrown into a fire but wouldn't burn, and the response was "Even the fire doesn't want them" 
DABF06 The giving tree is not a chump 
DABF07 Making Milhouse cry is not a science project 
DABF09 None 
DABF08 Vampire is not a career choice 
DABF10 None 
DABF11 None 
DABF12 None 
DABF13 None 
DABF14 I will never lie about being cancelled again 
A reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up" (and then claiming he was "misquoted and misunderstood") 
DABF15 None 
DABF16 None 
DABF17 None 

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