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Whats up? I live near Cincinnati, Ohio.
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Things I Always Wonder About

How young can you die of old age?

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

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Cincinnati Reds Game

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

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Dayton Airshow

A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"

The doctor says, "Mr. Shapiro, I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Mr. Shapiro says, "Well, you might as well give me the bad news first."
The doctor says, "The lab called with your test results. You have 24 hours to live."
Mr. Shapiro says, "Twenty-four hours? That's terrible! What could be worse?"
The doctor says, "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."



Three priests are in a boat with three young boys when the boat starts to sink.
The first priest says, "We've got to save the boys."
The second priest says, "Fuck the boys."
The third priest says, "Do you think we've got time?"


Why was the nearsighted fly starving?
He couldn't see shit.



Did you hear Mattel came out with a "Selena doll"?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid.

What would you call a musician who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Homeless.


What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common?
They can smell it but they can't eat it.

Why shouldn't you buy a woman a watch?
Because there's a clock on the stove.

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Kentucky Speedway

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She's a woman.



Why do Southern guys go to family reunions?
To meet chicks.

A guy goes to see his grandmother and takes one of his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, the friend says, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

A guy says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."
The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."
The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.
He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

If a black guy and a Mexican get into a fight, who wins?
We all do.


Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32? Yeah. They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses? They don't like any kind of witnesses.

Rosegarten is sitting in his lawyer's office.
The lawyer says, "Do you want the bad news or the terrible news?"
Rosegarten says, "Give me the bad news."
The lawyer says, "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
Rosegarten says, "That's the bad news? What's the terrible news?"
The lawyer says, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Did you hear about the Polish girl who wanted to give blood?
She spent three hours wringing out tampons.

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Cincinnati Zoo

Dirty Johnny's in the back yard digging a hole.
The neighbor says, "What're you doing?"
Johnny says, "My goldfish died, so I'm burying him."
The neighbor says, "Why such a big hole for a goldfish?"
Johnny says, "Because he's inside your fucking cat."

What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
Forget it once.


How will Clinton be remembered?
As the president after Bush.

A tourist in a museum asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard says, "Three million, four years, and six months old."
The tourist says, "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard says, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."


Why do girls have belly-button rings?
So you can hang an air freshener.

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.


What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
Nothing yet.

What sexual position should a woman use to make an ugly kid?
Ask your Mom.


When did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood?
The day his hand caught on fire.

Why did the Mexican put ice cubes up his nose?
To keep his lunch cold.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?

A child molester and a little boy and are out at night, walking towards the woods.
The boy says, "It's dark...I'm scared..."
The child molester says, "You think you're scared? I've gotta walk back alone."


What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted.

A girl's on the witness stand.
The judge says, "What happened?"
She says, "I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can...I...I don't even remember what happened next..."
The judge says (jerking off motion), "Make something up! Make something up!"


A guy goes into a luncheonette and orders a hamburger and a hot dog. A few minutes later, the waitress puts a plate in front of him with an open bun on it, pulls a hamburger out of her armpit, and tosses it on the bun.
The guy says, "What the hell was that all about?"
She says, "I was just keeping it warm for you."
He says, "Cancel my hot dog."

What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.


What should you do when a musician comes to your door?
Pay him and take your pizza.

What's the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex?
A microwave won't brown your meat.


Three ladies are in an obstetrician's waiting room.
The first lady says, "I'm going to have a girl, because I was on the bottom when we did it."
The second lady says, "I'm going to have a boy, because was on the top when we did it."
The third lady says, "Fuck! I guess I'm gonna have a puppy."

What does it mean when two lesbians make love?
It doesn't mean dick.

Where were all the white people during "The Million Man March"?
In the ghettos, getting their stuff back.

It's a scary world. The other night, this guy was fucking me in the ass, when he reached around and grabbed my dick.
I jumped up and said, "What are you, a fag?"


What does Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz" say when she needs money?
"A.T.M...A.T.M..."

A Chinese lady goes to the eye doctor.
He examines her and says, "Lady, you've got a cataract."
She says, "No, I've got a Rincoln continentoo."


A couple's making out in the movies.
She says, "Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum."
He says, "No, I was just clearing my throat."

What does a seventy-year-old snatch smell like?
Depends.


What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They've each got about one chance in ten million of ever becoming a human being.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "No."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.


Why did God invent lesbians?
So feminists wouldn't breed.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest?
A rabbi cuts it off, and a priest sucks it off.


How is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
They both feel good, but you can't help wondering who was there before you.

What's the definition of safe sex in West Virginia?
Branding the sheep that kick.

A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"

Harry is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?"
She says, "Anything you want."
He says, "After I die, will you marry Charlie?"
She says, "But I thought you hated Charlie."
With his last breath, he says, "I do."

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Out West

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
He wiped his ass.

Why are all the blacks moving to Detroit?
They heard there were no jobs there.


Why don't black people become astronauts?
Because they don't like to say "Yes, NASA", "No, NASA".

What do an Olympic gold medal, an Olympic silver medal, and a pair of testicles have in common?
They've all hung under Greg Louganis' chin.


What's scarier than being married to Lorena Bobbitt?
Getting a divorce from O.J. Simpson.

How did they break up the Million Man March?
They handed out job applications.

Tired of jokes?
Here are some mistakes in movies that you missed!

Star Wars
When the stormtroopers break into the control room, watch very carefully and you will be able to see a storm trooper nearly render himself unconscious by smacking his head off a door frame.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
At the start of term feast, after Harry is sorted into Gryffindor, he sits down on the right side of the table next to Ron. When the feast appears, Harry is on the other side of the table, next to Hermione.

Titanic
Why oh why is one of the people getting on the life boats wearing a digital watch? Surely they weren't around in 1912?

Gladiator
After the battle with the Germans, the next morning after the tavern, he is walking in the army camp and he feeds a horse a piece of apple. If you look closely between Maximus and the horse, there is a crewman wearing a pair of blue jeans.

Attack of the Clones
On Tatooine, Amidala presses a button to retransmit the message from Obi-wan. A moment later, she presses the same button to bring up the map showing Obi-wan's location and the distances between Tatooine and Couruscant. Not only does this same button do double duty, but with one press it knows she wants to show the location of the three planets.

Spider-Man
In the scene where Mary Jane is being mugged by four men, Spider-Man throws two of the men into two windows behind Mary Jane. Then the camera goes back to Spider-Man beating up the other two guys. When the camera goes back to Mary Jane the two windows are intact.

The Fast and the Furious
In the opening scenes when Brian goes back to the shop, he demands that he needs some nitrous to boost his low top speed. Well I'm sure that most tuners will agree that more horsepower doesn't equal more top speed, it only contributes IF you have a transmission that can handle it and distribute it. I was sure they'd had some type of car advisors on the film....

The Wizard of Oz
The album "Dark side of the moon" by Pink Floyd seems to be in sync with the Wizard of Oz if you start it right after the MGM lion roars the third time.

Gladiator
In the battle with the Barbarian Horde one of the chariots is turned over. Once the dust settles you can see a gas cylinder in the back of the chariot.

Soldier
I guess in the year 2036 they have forgotten how to check a pulse. They throw Todd away even though he is very much still alive. The General even says that he was their best man. I guess he wasn't good enough for a 10 second pulse check.

The Fast and the Furious
In the 4 car race with Brian, Dominic, Eddie and the Asian guy, Brian blows out his passenger side floor plate after using the second Nos burst. But when he picks up Dominic to escape from the cops, Dominic sits comfortably in the passenger seat.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
When the three children get past Fluffy because the harp is playing, as Fluffy wakes he dribbles on Ron's shoulder. However, when they fall down into the Devil's Snare, his shirt is completely dry.

Spider-Man
When Peter shoots his web at his bedroom lamp and pulls it across the room, it smashes against the wall and breaks. But when Aunt May is talking to Peter from the door seconds later, the lamp is back on the dresser in one piece.

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
In the sorting ceremony, we see Susan Bones, the girl with long curly hair, was sorted into Hufflepuff House. Later, in Professor Snape's Potion class, we see Susan was sitting behind Harry when Snape questions him. Only Gryffindor and Slytherin are attending in that class together - Susan was in the wrong class!

Attack of the Clones
When Amidala & Anakin are eating and he cuts her a piece of the fruit and "floats" it back to her, the bite appears in the fruit a split second before she actually eats it.

Pearl Harbor
When Evelyn first enters Pearl Harbor, there is a tall building that clearly says, "Est. 1953." Obviously this is a little ahead of the times.

American Pie
In the bedroom scene the girl is holding a clear cup full of beer. The camera goes off her and when it comes back she is holding a blue cup. The camera goes back off her then on her and the cup is clear again.

The Matrix
When Neo is going to open the door to enter the Oracle's house, you can clearly see a camera on the doorknob.

The Wizard of Oz
After the scarecrow gets a brain, he states the Pythagorean Theorem. However, he incorrectly says it applies to an isosceles triangle when it applies to a right triangle. He also not only gets the wrong kind of triangle, but he gets the equation wrong. He says "the sum of the square roots of any two sides...is equal to the square root of the remaining side." But it is really the sum of the SQUARES (not square roots). And it is not the sum of ANY two sides. It is the sum of the two sides that form the right angle. No doubt the Wizard got that brain in the clearance aisle...

The Matrix
Neo and Trinity kill all those soldiers on the roof before the agent comes to fight them. The agent shoots at Neo and during the whole dodging bullets scene every single corpse is gone. More to the point, Trinity's disappeared too!

Want to know any more mistakes in your favorite movies?
Just email me!

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