http://www.everwonder.com/david/austinpowers
AUSTIN POWERS 2:
The Wrath of Khan
By
Mike Myers & Michael McCullers
                                             
                                                                                        
                                                                    SECOND DRAFT - 6/25/98
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
OPEN ON BLACK:
 
MUSIC:  dramatic timpani roll and sting
 
The following title appears:
                                             
                                     AUSTIN POWERS 2
                                    THE WRATH OF KHAN!
 
MUSIC:  changes to incidental Muzak
 
We see a title scroll of the following narration:
                                             
                                      NARRATOR (VO)
         The producers would like to point out that this movie is in no way related to
         or inspired by the original Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan.  It shares neither
         characters nor setting nor action with the film of that name.
 
MUSIC:  dramatic timpani roll and sting
 
                                  A New Line Presentation
 
MUSIC:  changes to incidental Muzak
 
                                      NARRATOR
         As time goes by it becomes increasingly unclear why the name Wrath of Khan was
         chosen for this film, since it will surely provoke a costly lawsuit.
 
MUSIC:  dramatic timpani roll and sting
 
                                Of an Eric's Boy Production
 
MUSIC:  changes to incidental Muzak
 
                                        NARRATOR
         Well there you have it, a copyright suit has been filed against us by the
         makers of Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan.  Our counsel informs us that we are
         without legal recourse and therefore, the new name of this film is:
 
MUSIC:  timpani roll and dramatic sting
 
                                       AUSTINPUSSY
 
MUSIC:  changes to incidental Muzak
 
                                     NARRATOR (cont'd)
         We've just been notified that in order to meet the requirements for the Motion
         Picture Association of America's PG-13 rating, we must, once again, change the
         title of this film.  The new, and hopefully, last title is:
 
                                     AUSTIN POWERS 2:
                                  THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME
 
MUSIC:  timpani roll and dramatic sting
 
                                        NARRATOR
         In his last adventure, Austin Powers, a swinging spy from the Sixties, was
         unfrozen in the Nineties to battle his archenemy Dr. Evil.  Austin foiled Dr.
         Evil's plan to send a nuclear warhead to the center of the earth and banished
         him into space forever.  Or so he thought.
 
2  EXT.  HOTEL - NIGHT (ESTABLISHING SHOT FROM FIRST MOVIE).
 
SUPER:  The French Riviera
 
3  INT.  HOTEL - HALLWAY
 
Elegant double doors with a brass plaque reading "Honeymoon Suite." A "Do Not-Disturb" sign hangs
from the handle.
 
4  INT.  HOTEL SUITE
 
FROM THE FIRST MOVIE:  Austin and Vanessa snuggle in bed.  She plays with his chest hair.
 
                                         VANESSA
         I love you, Mr. Powers.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         And I love you, Mrs. Powers.
 
SHOT TO MATCH EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin gets out of bed.  We see Vanessa putting on her robe from
behind, and then EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa kiss.
 
                                         VANESSA
         Let's go out on the terrace.  It's a beautiful night, we can look at the stars.
 
5  EXT.  HOTEL BALCONY
 
EXISTING FOOTAGE: Austin and Vanessa gaze at the stars.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Look how beautiful the night sky
         is.
 
                                         VANESSA
         Isn't that the big dipper?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Yeah, and that looks just like
         Uranus.
 
                                         VANESSA
         Austin!
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (sheepish)
         Well, you know.
 
                                         VANESSA
         Hey, I've never seen that big
         star before.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Yeah, what is that?
 
Austin pulls out his telescope and takes a look.
 
6  AUSTIN'S POV - TELESCOPE EFFECT
 
7  EXT.  SPACE
 
EXISTING SHOT: The Bob's Big Boy rocket.
 
8  INT.  DR. EVIL'S CAPSULE
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         This isn't over yet, Mr. Powers.  I have one more trick up my sleeve, don't I
         Mr. Bigglesworth?
 
The frozen Mr. Bigglesworth MEOWS.
 
9  EXT.  SPACE
 
The Bob's Big Boy rocket.  Suddenly, a hatch opens in Bob's
rear end and Dr. Evil's silver egg capsule poops out.
 
10  SFX:  PLOOP!
 
Capsule begins fiery re-entry to Earth
 
11  INT.  HOTEL ROOM
 
Austin comes in and shuts the balcony door.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh well, I guess it was nothing.
 
A VANESSA DOUBLE crosses carrying a bouquet of flowers, which obscure her face.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Care for some champagne?
                                        (pouring)
         Here's to monotony-- I mean, monogamy!
 
Vanessa sits at the vanity with her back turned.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Hello? Vanessa? What are you
         doing, luv?
 
                                         VANESSA
                                      (back turned)
         Just putting on my--
 
As Vanessa turns around she puts her hands up and PULLS OFF HER FACE revealing wires, transistors,
and a speaker where her mouth should be.
 
                                      FEMBOT VANESSA
                                     (computer voice)
         MAKE-UP!
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                       (frightened)
         Vanessa, you're a Fembot!
 
They fight.  Midway through the fight, machine guns pop out of Vanessa's breasts.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Machine gun jubblies, how did I miss those?
 
                                         VANESSA
                                      (robot voice)
         PERHAPS NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD TRY FOREPLAY.
 
Her machine gun breasts FIRE, spraying the room in SLO-MO.
Then they run out of ammo and CLICK, CLICK.
 
Austin empties his gun into the robot, but to no avail.  She rushes at him, he gives her a judo
chop, also to no avail.  Then Austin' notices a SELF-DESTRUCI- switch and hits it.
 
She starts to twitch, her head spins, and she EXPLODES.
 
Fembot parts fly around the room.  Austin sits on the bed, saddened.  He holds Vanessa's hand,
which has wires hanging out of it.  On one of the fingers is her wedding ring.
 
MUSIC:  very sad piano
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (very sad)
         I can't believe Vanessa, my bride, my one true love, the woman who taught me
         the beauty of sharing your whole life with another, the person who taught me
         the meaning of love, was a Fembot.  How will I ever go on?
                                         (beat)
         Wait a tic! That means I'm single! Oh, behave!
 
12  INT.  LOBBY - HOTEL
 
Rich European guests mill about the luxurious lobby.  Suddenly, Austin dances through naked.  Just
as we are about to see his bits and pieces, a man lifts up his suitcase.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Yeah, baby, I'm free! I'm naked and free!
 
13  SEQUENCE  CREDIT
 
MUSIC:  Soul Bassanova by QUINCY JONES
 
PAN UP Austin's NAKED body as he walks down a boardwalk.  Just as the camera reaches that most
sensitive of areas, a credit appears STARRING MIKE MYERS.  Austin gives a big 'who me?' and we
FREEZE FRAME.
 
14  EXT.  BOARDWALK - FRENCH RIVERA
 
European types stare and point.  We see Austin from behind.  His bottom half is blocked by a
bicycle.  The bicycle moves away.  Just as Austin's bum is about to be revealed-
 
A CREDIT APPEARS blocking it.  Austin turns his head around to the camera and puts his hand to his
mouth in an 'oh my!' take and we FREEZE FRAME.
 
A MAN IN A RAINCOAT flashes Austin, his thingy blocked by a credit.  Austin just laughs...crazy,
man!
 
Austin goes around a corner.  A moment later he returns, followed by a NUDE MARCHING BAND.
 
A SIGN on the left side of the screen reads "Warning! Nude Beach".  Austin enters from the left. 
We see his naked, hairy torso from the waist up.  Just as he is about to appear from behind the
sign, a...
 
CREDIT APPEARS MOVING LEFT TO RIGHT Blocking his penis lengthwise as he walks.
 
15  NUDE BEACH - CREDIT SEQUENCE
 
A girl sits on a blanket; a HORIZONTAL CREDIT blocks her bare chest.  Austin lays on his back
beside her, trying to be suave; A VERTICAL CREDIT appears.
 
The wind blows away a kite, revealing a stark-naked girl.  The credit "PRODUCTION DESIGN" blocks
her chest; the credit "BY" blocks her you-know-what.  Austin walks into frame; the "PRODUCTION
DESIGNER'S NAME" disguises his growing interest.
 
Austin joins a nude volleyball game in progress.  CREDITS appear everywhere to block all possible
combinations of nudity.  People leap in all directions to make saves, causing CREDITS TO APPEAR at
crazy angles.
 
A pretty girl watches Austin lift weights.  Her boobs are blocked by the "WIRITTEN BY" credit. 
Austin lifts a dumbbell.  The credit "MIKE MYERS" sticks out from his waist.  Austin looks proud.
 
A BUFF NAKED BODYBUILDER joins them.  He lifts a much heavier weight.  A much longer credit sticks
out from his waist: "AND MICHAEL MCCULLERS".  Austin pouts.
 
Austin runs down the beach, his bum blocked by the credit "DIRECTED BY".  He jumps on a trampoline
and does the splits in mid-air:
 
FREEZE FRAME AND PAN AROUND LIKE IN THE GAP "KHAKI SWING" AD.  Austin smiles crazily, his penis
blocked by "JAY ROACH."
 
Austin does a super-duper double flip into his JAGUAR.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Shaguar, baby, yeah!
 
CU on the chrome script on the grill: it reads "Shaguar" where it would normally read "Jaguar". 
The car speeds off.
 
16  FULL SCREEN TV JERRY SPRINGER SHOW
 
On the stage we see a Klansman father and his Klansman son, a Nazi father and his Nazi son, and
SCOTT EVIL all seated on a panel.
 
Lower Third Chyron: "MY FATHER IS EVIL AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"
 
                                      JERRY SPRINGER
         If you just joined us, today's topic is "my father is evil and wants to take
         over the world".  Now, Bobby, you had something you wanted to share with your
         father before the break.
          
                                          BOBBY
         Dad, I know you're against racemixing and all that, but I met someone...
          
                                        KLANSMAN
         Don't say it!
 
The crowd WHOOPS.
                                             
                                          BOBBY
         I met someone ...  and he's black.
 
The crowd goes crazy.
                                             
                                        KLANSMAN
         He?
 
The Klansman holds his hooded head in his hands.
                                             
                                      JERRY SPRINGER
         Please welcome Tim.
 
A handsome Blaire Underwood look-alike enters and hugs the Klansman's son.  The crowd screams.
 
JERRY MOVES TO SCOTT EVIL.
 
                                      JERRY SPRINGER
         Now Scott, tell us about your father.  Share with us.
 
                                          SCOTT
         Well he's the head of an evil organization that has aspirations for world
         domination.
          
                                      JERRY SPRINGER
         And where is your father right now?
                                             
                                          SCOTT
         He's in outer space, like frozen in a giant egg and stuffed inside a Big Boy
         rocket with his cat, Mr. Bigglesworth.
 
                                      JERRY SPRINGER
         Really? Well, we have a surprise for you, Scott.  Let's bring out Scott's
         father, Dr Evil.
 
Dr Evil enters.
 
Lower Third Chyron: "WANTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD"
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Hello Scott, I'm back.
 
                                          SCOTT
         I can't believe you'd do this to me on national television!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         They offered me a free makeover.
 
                                      JERRY SPRINGER
         Dr. Evil, we've seen a lot of the fathers here today open up to their sons,
         sons to the fathers.  Is there anything you'd like to share?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Share?
 
                                      JERRY SPRINGER
         Yes, don't you have any secrets?
          
                                        DR. EVIL
         OK.  I have a vestigial tail.
 
Everyone is a little grossed out.
                                             
                                        DR. EVIL
         It's more of a nub, really.  The spine just goes on a little longer than it
         should.  Also, I've dabbled.  I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet,
         twice and you're a homosexual.  I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian
         Cabot- but here's where the story gets interesting.  He was
         lactose-intolerant.  He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk
         and it was gastric hell.  And I remember we were caught in fragrance delicto
         by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me
         say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments is that I never
         became a song and dance man.  I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of
         like a despotic Ken Barry.  Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear
         weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four.  I once sat on a
         bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle.  All I ended up with was a
         sense of failure and a mild neuralgia in my incisor teeth and perhaps a
         grudging respect for the weaker sex.  I love toe cleavage.  For the most part I
         distrust dogs.  I slept in a horse once.  It was quite roomy.  On second
         thought, it was the Ritz.  I named my left testicle 'piss' and my right
         testicle 'vinegar'.  I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies
         told me.  Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of The Fonze while I was
         in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day
         can honestly say they haven't done that?
 
The Springer audience is stunned, slack-jawed and for once quiet.
 
                                        KLANSMAN
         What are you, some kind of freak?
                                             
                                          SCOTT
         Shut up, jagoff!
 
Studio audience whoops at this.
 
                                        KLANSMAN
         I'll kick your ass punk!
 
Crowd goes crazy.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         No one talks to my boy that way!
 
Dr. Evil charges at Klansman and starts to bitch slap him.  Security men, with headsets on, rush in
to separate them.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         I'm OK, I'm OK.
 
There is a BEAT, then Dr. Evil CHARGES the guy again, knocking him down.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Come Scott, let's go to daddy's new evil lair.
 
17  EXT.  WORLD HEADQUARTERS BUILDING - DAY
 
We pan up a modern office building.  The camera reaches the top of the building and we see a giant
STARBUCKS LOGO and the words: Starbucks World Headquarters.
 
18  INT.  STARBUCKS BOARD ROOM
 
The penthouse boardroom is adorned with Starbucks paraphernalia: large logo, clear canisters full
of beans, and a large world map with a little logo everywhere there is a Starbucks.
 
Around a large table are Dr. Evil, Number Two (bandaged and lightly spotted with soot), Frau, Scott
and a couple of NEW HENCHMEN.  A Starbucks employee serves everyone steaming hot coffee products.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, as the legitimate frontman of your organization, I seized upon the
         opportunity to invest in a small Seattle-based coffee company several years
         ago.  Today, Starbucks is a far-flung empire with 2000 outlets worldwide.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Oh good, Number Two, I do enjoy a good cuppa joe.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         If I may continue, I believe if we shift our resources away from world
         domination and focus on providing premium quality coffee drinks, we can
         increase our gross profits fivefold.
 
Dr. Evil takes a sip of cappuccino, leaving a WHITE FROTHY MILK MUSTACHE on his upper lip.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Right.  Perhaps you've confused me with someone who gives a shit.  Might I
         remind you that I run the show here? I demand a little respect.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
                            (indicating Dr. Evil's milk mustache)
         Dr. Evil, I think you--
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Silence! I will not tolerate your insolence! Remember what happened last time.
 
19  FLASHBACK (FOOTAGE FROM FIRST MOVIE)
 
Number Two disappears backwards into the fiery pit.
 
20  INT.  STARBUCKS WORLD HEADQUARTERS
 
Number Two smiles weakly, breaking into a sweat on his brow.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         May I add, I appreciate you reinstating me after our little...misunderstanding.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Frau Farbissina.  Wie gehts is
         einen?
 
We see Frau.  She looks a little more 'masculine' than before.
 
                                          FRAU
         Zehr gut, Herr Doctor.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         How are things?
 
                                          FRAU
         I have come to embrace the love that dare not speak it's name.  To my right is
         my lover.
 
We see a severe-looking German woman with one continuous eyebrow.
                                             
                                          FRAU
         Her name is Unibrau.  I met her on the LPGA Tour.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Right on.  Welcome, Unibrau.
 
Dr. Evil takes another sip of cappuccino, making the frothy milk mustache even larger.
 
                                          FRAU
         Doctor, you have a 'milk mustache.'
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                (wiping it off, embarrassed)
         Oh, I know.  I know.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, I'd like to introduce
         the Greek assassin, Oedipus.
 
We see a swarthy Greek army guy.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Welcome to my private army, Oedipus.  Excited?
 
                                         OEDIPUS
         I could give a shit.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Kiss your mother with that mouth?
 
                                         OEDIPUS
         Yes.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Of course you do.
 
Dr Evil begins to press a button labelled "Oedipus" on his control panel, but Number Two
interrupts.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
                                     (clearing throat)
         Dr. Evil, as you know, the rate at which you liquidate henchmen far exceeds our
         ability to replace them.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         I have so few pleasures left to me, Number Two.  The key to life is to rotate
         your vices.  One day it's executions, another day it's creamy French cheese. 
         It's like frickin' heroin.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Well, Dr. Evil, perhaps I have the answer.  While you were frozen, we began a
         program to clone you.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Cool.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         We had a few glitches, but I think you'll be pleased with the results.
 
                                          FRAU
                                        (shouting)
         Send in the clone!
 
MUSIC:  dramatic sting
     
We see the shadow of an approaching figure.  The shadow looks like Dr. Evil, only much larger and
scarier.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         He is identical to you in every way, except he is one-eighth your size.
 
We see that the source of the shadow is a MINIATURE DR. EVIL, just like the creepy mini-Marlon
Brando in The Island of Dr.  Moreau.  He mimics Dr. Evil's mannerisms including holding his tiny
pinky to his tiny mouth.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Breathtaking.  I shall call him Mini-Me.
                                        (to clone)
         Mini-Me, you will sit to my right.
 
Mini-Me sits down in a miniature version of Dr. Evil's command chair.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Come Mr. Bigglesworth!
 
The bald Mr. Bigglesworth runs and jumps into Dr. Evil's lap.  A bald MR. BIGGLESWORTH KITTEN jumps
into Mini-Me's lap.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Mini-me, something to eat?
                                     (expectant pause)
         No?
                                         (pause)
         OK.
                                        (to room)
         Tired.
         Gentleman, I have a plan.  As you know, the most powerful man in the world is
         the President of the United States.  But he is just that- a man, subject to
         temptations of the flesh like any other man.  Here's what we do: we make it
         seem that the President has had "extra-marital oral relations" with- and this
         is the kicker-
 
DRAMATIC STING, SNAP ZOOM TO DR. EVIL.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         With a White House intern!
 
Dr. Evil gloats.  So does Mini-Me.
                                             
                                        NUMBER TWO
                                   (clearing his throat)
         Uh-hem.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         What, that already happened?
 
Number Two nods.
                                             
                                        DR. EVIL
         This is ri-goddamn-diculous.  Oh well, how about a frickin' time machine? Does
         the president have a time machine? Have I been scooped on that?
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         No, not that I'm aware of.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Alright, time machine it is.  As you know, every diabolical scheme I've hatched
         has been thwarted by Austin Powers.  And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
 
                                          SCOTT
         Because you never kill him when you get the chance and you're a dope?
 
Mini-Me hops upon the table and tries to push the "Scott Evil" button on Dr. Evil's control panel. 
Frau SQUIRTS him with a water bottle.  Mini-Me glares at Scott and GIVES HIM THE FINGER.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         No, because Austin Powers has "mojo".
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Mojo?
 
                                          FRAU
         Yes, mojo.  The mojo is the life force, the essence, the libido, the "right
         stuff".
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         It's what the French call a certain 'I don't know what.'
 
                                          SCOTT
         If you've got a time machine, why don't you just go back and kill Austin Powers
         when he's a baby or something?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         No, no, no.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
                                      (interrupting)
         Dr. Evil, wouldn't it be easier to use your knowledge of the future to play the
         stock market? We could literally make trillions.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                  (smug laugh to himself)
         Why make trillions when we could make...
                                         (pause)
         Billions?
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Excuse me?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Why think small is all I'm saying.
 
                                          SCOTT
         A trillion is more than a billion, numb-nuts.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Zip it.  Unveil the time portal!
          
A wall panel opens to reveal a Stargate-like wall of shimmering energy.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the time portal.  As you know, Austin Powers
         was frozen in 1967.  Therefore, I time travel to 1969, two years after he was
         frozen.  Security will be lax and I'll strike when he is totally helpless. 
         First, I take Austin Powers' mojo.  Then I begin my domination of the world.
          
                                          SCOTT
         Can I come?
                                             
                                        DR. EVIL
         No, Scott, Daddy has a score to settle.  Austin Powers is the snake to my
         mongoose, or the mongoose to my snake.  Either way it's bad, I don't know
         animals.  But I do know this: This time it's personal.  Frau, Number 2, I'll
         see you both in 1969.  Come, Mini-Me.
 
Dr. Evil walks to the portal.  Mini-Me follows, imitating him perfectly.  They enter the portal. 
There is a FREEZE FRAME effect and they FADE AWAY, like in Star Trek.
 
21  INT.  DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 1969
 
Dr. Evil and Mini-Me emerge on the other side of the portal into a NEW LAIR.  It is a large
hollowed-out volcano room dominated by chrome conduits and tasteful art pieces.  A younger Frau
sits with NUMBER TWO, now played by ROB LOWE in an eye-patch.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Ah, here we are Mini-Me, 1969.  Number Two, you look very youthful and healthy.
                                     (turning to Frau)
         And Frau you look...right.
 
As Dr. Evil walks to the center of the room, chairs rise from the floor. Everyone takes a seat, but
Dr. Evil gets caught in the middle as chairs rise around him.  He is frightened.  One of the rising
chairs hits him in the crotch.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         OK, people, we now officially have a chair problem.  If another one of these
         chairs hits me in the nuts, I'm gonna go postal.  Mini-Me, I want you to meet
         Number Two.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Hello there.
 
Mini-me says nothing.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Mini-Me?
 
Mini-me still says nothing.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Shy.  Low blood sugar.
                                        (to room)
         Gentlemen, Phase Two is beginning.  I have an operative inside the Ministry of
         Defense.  By this time tomorrow, Austin Powers' mojo will be mine.
 
Dr. Evil goes over and looks out the large window.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                     (maniacal laugh)
         Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
 
22  EXT.  DR. EVIL'S TROPICAL ISLAND - 1969
 
We cut outside to see that window is in fact the left eye of a Mt.  Rushmore-type depiction of Dr.
Evil carved into the side of a volcano on a tropical island.
 
                                      DR. EVIL (VO)
                                     (maniacal laugh)
         Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!
 
23  INT.  MOD - CRYOGENIC FREEZING ROOM - 1969
 
We see Austin's FROZEN BODY in cryogenic storage.  Above it, we see two digital clocks.  One reads:
CURRENT DATE: MAY 25, 1969, the other reads: DATE FROZEN: NOVEMBER 11, 1967.  One of the SCOTS
GUARDS, is an IMMENSELY FAT SCOTTISH SOLDIER (played by Mike Myers).
 
                                     BRITISH COLONEL
         We've had reports that there's a spy in the Ministry of Defense.  The contents
         of this room are vital to the country.  Be on special alert.
 
                                       FAT SOLDIER
                                  (thick Scottish accent)
         Those bastards will have to kill me before I let anything happen to this wee
         naked hairy popsicle, sir!
 
                                     BRITISH COLONEL
         Very good.  And try and lose some weight for God's sake!
 
They exchange salutes and the Colonel exits.
 
                                       FAT SOLDIER
         Yessir!
                                 (sotto after the Colonel)
         I outta smash your teeth out with a Toffee Hammer Mr. English Colonel
         Telling-Me-What-To-Do-And-Stealing-our-Oil-Refusing-To-Recognize-our-Scottish-Independence!
 
The Fat Soldier begins to play the BAGPIPES, a white vapor comes out of them, filling the room. 
The other soldiers COLLAPSE, unconscious.
 
He bores through the ice and pulls out a Sixties high-tech syringe type device with an LED graph on
the side.  He places it in Austin's navel.  The LED meter goes from red to green, indicating FULL
MOJO.
 
24  EXT./INT.  AUSTIN'S SHAGUAR - DRIVING - DAY
 
Austin drives in MODERN TRAFFIC.  He is drinking a STARBUCKS COFFEE and listening to the Jag's
in-dash CD PLAYER.  Suddenly Austin DROOPS.  The car starts to sputter.  The fuel gauge reads
empty.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Gor blimey, I'm on empty! That's funny, I just filled the Shaguar up this
         morning.
 
Austin hits a button on the dashboard.
 
BASIL EXPOSITION appears on the picture phone in the dash.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
                                    (on picture phone)
         Hello, I'm Basil Exposition, head of British Intelligence.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         You always are, Basil.  Listen, the weirdest thing just happened, I've run out
         of petrol.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         We'll send a man around immediately.  How was your honeymoon?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Vanessa tried to kill me, Basil.  She was a Fembot!
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Ah women, who can understand them? Moving on, let's discuss your new case.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         New case? Very shagadelic, Basil!
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         You'll be doing a photo shoot.  We know that one of the models is an ex-KGB
         agent selling top secret material to the highest bidder.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         That sounds easy enough, you know what they say: all work and no shagging makes
         Austin a dull boy, man!
 
25  INT.  SKI LODGE
 
Austin sets up his photo equipment.  The room is decorated in classic Heffner- bear skin rugs,
leather chairs, roaring fire.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                     (looking around)
         Tres chic, baby.
 
REG, the photo assistant, enters.
 
                                           REG
         Austin, the models are ready.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Ta, Reg.  Bless your cotton socks.  Hey, Reg, do you have any hobbies?
 
                                           REG
         What?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Hobbies, man! I for one enjoy making models!
 
The models make their entrance.  They are REAL SUPERMODELS, say CINDY CRAWFORD, REBECCA ROMAJIN and
also one MODEL we don't know.
 
                                       SUPERMODELS
                                     (circling Austin)
         It's him! Oh my God! It's Austin Powers!
 
Austin shoots a look to Reg like 'still got it, baby.'
 
                                         AUSTIN
         One at a time, girls.  One.  At.  A.  Time!
 
                                          CINDY
         Hi, I'm Cindy.  I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Of course you haven't had "The Pleasure", we just met, baby, yeah!
 
                                         REBECCA
         How do you do, Austin? I'm Rebecca.
                                (indicating the photo gear)
         Your equipment is quite impressive.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Thank you.  Your breasts are amazing.
 
Austin comes to the unknown model.  She is tall and angular.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         And what's your name, baby?
 
                                          MODEL
                                  (thick Russian accent)
         Ivana Humpalot.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Excuse me?
 
                                          IVANA
         Ivana.  Ivana Humpalot.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         And I vanna toilet made of solid gold but it's just not in the cards, now is
         it?
 
Austin looks over the girls, trying to decide who is the spy.
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
                                     (inner monologue)
         Now, which one is the Russian spy? Cindy Crawford, Rebecca Romajin...or Ivana
         Humpalot? Think, man, think!
 
Austin begins snapping pictures.  The sequence is shot like a photo shoot, with freeze frames, etc.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Alright, baby! Love it.  Turn and pout for me baby! Smashing!
 
Cindy gets on all fours.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Great, darling.  Give me some shoulder.  Yes, yes, yes.
                                         (angry)
         No! No!
 
FULL FRAME, cover of Vogue.  Cindy with her head framed out.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                       (to Rebecca)
         Show me love.  Smashing! You're an animal.  You're a tiger.  Be a tiger, baby!
         You're great! You're Grrrrrr-eat! You're Tony, be corn flakes, baby, be
         frosted.  Now be a lemur, baby! You're a ring-tailed lemur.
 
Rebecca looks confused.
 
                                         REBECCA
         A lemur?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         A small mammal native to the African savannah.  C'mon baby, you know.  Like
         this!
                                     (imitating lemur)
         OK, predator coming! Now, burrow, burrow! You're a lemur.  It's all you've got.
                                         (beat)
         I take it back.  Be a tiger again.  Smashing!
 
FULL FRAME, Rebecca on the cover of National--Geographic.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         And...done! I'm spent!
 
Austin throws his camera to Reg, who catches it.
 
                                           REG
         Hel-lo, you forgot about Ivana.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I didn't forget, baby.  Miss Humpalot and I are going to have a 'private
         session'.
 
Reg shows the girls out as they PROTEST.  Austin and Ivana are left alone.  Austin CLAPS TWICE and
the lights dim.  He CLAPS again and the fire goes up.
 
MUSIC:  I'm Never Going To Fall in Love Again by BURT BACHARACH
 
                                          IVANA
         When did you get "The Clapper"?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         November, 1964, Dutch East Indies, shore leave.
 
                                          IVANA
         Are you cold, Mr. Powers?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I once had a bad experience with frostbite.  I had to dip my tadger into a
         brandy snifter.
 
Ivana moves over to a chessboard set up nearby.
 
                                          IVANA
         Do you know how we keep warm in Russia?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I can guess, baby.
 
                                          IVANA
         We play chess.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I guessed wrong.
 
                                          IVANA
         It takes a keen intelligence to play chess.  Of course, you know what they say
         about men with big brains, don't you?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         They wear large hats?
 
                                          IVANA
         No, they make better lovers.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Wrong again.
 
Ivana starts playing with the chess pieces sexily (like in The Thomas Crowne Affair).
 
                                          IVANA
         I assume you know how to play.
 
She runs the bishop across her lips sexily.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Of course.  The...horsey...moves in an L shape.
 
Austin tries to match her sexy moves and CHOKES on a piece.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Let's stop playing games with each other...especially difficult ones.  May I
         ask you a question, Miss Humpalot?
 
                                          IVANA
         Of course.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Do I make you horny? Do I?
 
Austin rolls around on the polar bear rug.
 
                                          IVANA
         I'll tell you anything you want to know, just make love to me.
 
She pulls his shirt off, revealing his prodigious chest hair.
 
                                          IVANA
         You are hairy, like an animal!
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                  (growling and barking)
         Grrrr, baby.
 
Austin takes the head of the bear skin rug.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Grrrr.  Ruf! Ruf!
                                 (covers the bear's eyes)
         Wait a tick, I don't want him watching me while I'm on the job!
 
                                          IVANA
         Make love to me, monkey man.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Groovy, baby!
 
We pan around the room, seeing all the stuffed and mounted
wildlife who seem to be watching.  Suddenly the camera stops.  So does the music.
 
                                        IVANA (OC)
         What's the matter?
 
CUT TO:
 
26  MONTAGE - VARIOUS STOCK FOOTAGE
 
A tall flower wilts and beds over.  A souffle falls.  A flag is lowered to half mast.  A giant
redwood falls in a forest.  A hot air balloon deflates and falls.  An actual scientific diagram of
a penis in the refractory period.
 
27  INT.  LODGE
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                       (to camera)
         Crikey, I've lost my mojo.
 
28  EXT.  LONDON STREETS (STOCK FOOTAGE)
 
An ambulance races through the streets, SIREN BLARING.
 
29  EXT.  MINISTRY OF DEFENSE
 
SUPER:  "Ministry of Defense"
 
30 INT.  MOD - HALLWAY
 
Basil hurries through, pushing past TECHNICIANS and WORKERS.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Where is he? In here?
 
31  INT.  MOD - LAB
 
Basil enters.  Cross between a hospital room and a lab.  Austin lies in bed hooked up to lots of
monitoring equipment.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Austin, I came as soon as I heard.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         There must be some kind of mistake, Basil.  Maybe I was drunk and I didn't know
         it.
 
Austin holds his neck very stiffly.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         What's wrong with your neck, Austin?
 
                                         AUSTIN
                              (turning stiffly to face Basil)
         I took a Viagra and it got caught in my throat.  I've had a stiff neck for
         hours.  Basil, is it true? Have I lost my mojo?
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         We're going to run a few tests, Austin.  Don't worry, old friend, we'll get to
         the bottom of this.
 
32  INT.  MRI MACHINE
 
Austin is being loaded into one of those big scary MRI machines: the MOJONATOR 9000.  The mojo
meter reads VERY LOW.
 
33  INT.  MOD LAB
 
MONTAGE (TIME-LAPSE):  Technicians in white suits and masks transform the room into a love lair: A
pair of Latex-gloved hands carefully puts a BURT BACHARACH record on a turntable.  Examination
lights are replaced with LAVA LAMPS.  A tray is brought in with a videotape marked "SWEDISH
EDUCATIONAL FILM."
 
Finally, the transformation is complete.  Austin lies in bed reading a vintage PLAYBOY.  A CANDY
STRIPE NURSE enters, very pretty, in a tight outfit.
 
                                          NURSE
         Excuse me, Mr. Powers, I need to give you a sponge bath before we begin the
         test.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                               (not paying attention to her)
         Alright, miss, just let me finish this article on the Suez crisis.
 
An ALARM goes off.  Bright LIGHTS come on.  Basil enters.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         What's going on?
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Alright, everyone, we're done.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         But the test hasn't even started!
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Agent Haggerty was the test, Austin.  Not only were you actually reading an
         article in that Playboy, but a candy-stripe nurse offering to give you a sponge
         bath didn't so much as turn your head.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Wait, I can explain, man! I was going to shag her but the article was so
         fascinating--
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         I'm sorry, Austin, I'm afraid it's true: you've lost your mojo.
 
Basil shows Austin the mojometer, which reads EMPTY.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (crushed)
         Without my mojo, I'm useless to the Ministry and to Her Majesty.  I think it's
         time to retire.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         I'm afraid that's not possible, Austin.  You see, Dr. Evil has returned.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Again?
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Again.
 
34  INT.  MOD - TIME-TRAVEL ROOM
 
Austin and Basil ride on the back of a golf cart through the largest room you've ever seen in your
life.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         We have evidence that Dr. Evil has developed a time machine.
 
Basil shows Austin altered photos of Dr. Evil with famous villains, such as Sadam, Nixon, and
Donald Trump.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Our researcher noticed that these photos from the archives have changed.  That
         means Dr. Evil is traveling back in time and creating alliances with each
         decade's most despised villains.
 
Austin tries to read them and gets queasy.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I can't read in the car.  I get a bit vomy.
 
Austin burps and swallows it.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Got it.  I almost gipped.
 
                                   BASIL EXPOSITION (VO)
         Our data indicates that Dr. Evil is in the year 1969.  Luckily, we also have a
         time travel device.  After years of research we've developed a machine that
         will transport you back to the Sixties.
 
A bright overhead light comes on spotlighting a brand new VOLKSWAGEN BEETLE CONVERTIBLE, painted up
psychedelic by Peter Max.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         But Basil, isn't that the new Volkswagen Beetle?
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         That's what they'd like you to believe.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         So, Basil, if I travel back to 1969 and I was frozen in 1967, I could go look
         at my frozen self.  But, if I'm still frozen in 1967, how could I have been
         unthawed in the 90's and traveled back to the Sixties?
                                     (goes cross-eyed)
         Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
                                       (to camera)
         I suggest you don't worry about those things and just enjoy yourself.
 
Austin gets into the car and turns it on.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         This is smashing Basil.  I'll go back to the Sixties, recharge my mojo, defeat
         Dr. Evil and be back in time for tea.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Good luck, Austin.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Luck has nothing to do with it, Basil.
 
Austin steps on the gas.  The car lurches in reverse and smashes some equipment.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Sorry.
                                     (changing gears)
         Swinging Sixties, here I come, baby, yeah!
 
The car takes off, heading for the wall.  It DISAPPEARS, leaving flaming tread marks.
 
FLASH CUT TO:
35  EXT.  STREET - LONDON - 1969
 
The Beetle time machine appears out of nowhere and screeches to a stop.  A London HIPPIE smoking a
hukka watches.  He throws the hukka down.  Austin hops out.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I feel better already, man!
 
Austin smiles and we see that his teeth are back to being TERRIBLE.  He walks off as a crowd
gathers around the car.
 
36  EXT.  PARK - LONDON
 
Austin enters the park in high spirits.  We PULL BACK to see that Austin is being watched through
binoculars by a big ARYAN ASSASSIN.
 
PULL BACK FURTHER to reveal a beautiful MYSTERIOUS WOMAN watching both of them.  From this distance
we can't tell who she is.
 
A sign reads "BE-IN FOR PEACE".  HIPPIES, MODS, and FREAKS of all descriptions dance to the music
of a PSYCHEDELIC BAND.  The band's name is on the drum kit: "MING TEA."
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Alright, baby, a swinging shin-dig!
 
Austin gets into the dancing, quickly becoming the center of the scene.  The lead singer of the
band invites him on stage and hands him the microphone as the band starts a new song: "SEXUAL
REVOLUTION."
 
Austin begins singing and a choreographed musical number begins involving the outdoor crowd a la
Bob Fosse's Sweet Charity or Hair.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (singing)
         'THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION,
          
         YOU CAN FEEL IT IN THE AIR.
          
         PEOPLE SHAGGING JUST LIKE WEASELS
          
         AND THEY JUST DON'T SEEM TO CARE.
 
Hip-thrusting young MOD FREAKS Fosse-hump rhythmically.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (singing)
         HEY, WATCH OUT SQUARES...
          
         YOU MAKES US BORED!
          
         THE PENIS IS MIGHTIER
          
         THAN THE SWORD
 
Austin does various groovy dance moves like THE ROCK 'EM SOCK 'EM ROBOT and THE HEAVYWEIGHT.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (singing)
         THERE'S A SEXUAL REVOLUTION
          
         AND YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHING YET
          
         PEOPLE SHAGGING IN THE CLUBS
          
         AND INSIDE A JUMBO JET
 
Forty Austins appear in a KALEIDOSCOPE EFFECT.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (singing)
         HEY SQUARE WORLD
          
         THE END IS NIGH.
          
         WHEN WE SAY HUMP
          
         YOU SAY 'HOW HIGH?'
 
Three GROOVY CHICKS behind Austin suddenly have tambourines for the big finale.  The assassin and
the mysterious woman are both in the audience, keeping an eye on Austin.  All we see of the woman
are shots of her BOOTS, CLOTHES, and a FEMALE SYMBOL MEDALLION.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (singing)
         SO GO MAKE LOVE
          
         OR MASTURBATE&emdash;
          
         SEXUAL FREEDOM
          
         WILL NEVER BE
          
         OUT OF DAAAAAAAAAAATE!
 
Austin holds the note an improbably long time, arms outstretched.  The dancers crouch-walk towards
the camera.
 
                                        EVERYONE
                                        (chanting)
         FREE-- LOVE!
                                        (louder)
         FREE-- LOVE!
                                        (louder)
         FREE-- LOVE!
                                        (shouting)
         IT'S THE SIXTIES!
 
The SONG ENDS and all the dancers end up on one knee with their arms outstretched, panting.  Austin
breathes heavily and smiles smugly like Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance.
 
We are TIGHT ON Austin's ass.  PULL BACK to see that it is the MYSTERIOUS WOMAN who is watching
Austin's ass.  She SMILES behind the binoculars hiding her face.
 
37  EXT.  CARNABY ST.
 
Austin walks down the street looking at his new BEATLES ALBUM.  Sitting in a parked Citroen
watching him is the ASSASSIN.
 
The Aryan assassin nods to a SHOE-SHINE on the street.
 
The shoe-shine boy nods to a BUSINESS MAN in a Homburg.
 
The business man nods to a BOBBY.
 
The bobby nods to a WOMAN WITH A BABY CARRIAGE.
 
The woman with a baby carriage nods to a MIME.
 
The mime nods to a BLIND BEGGAR with a tin cup.
 
The blind beggar nods to a CARPENTER on a roof.
 
The carpenter FLASHES A LIGHT to an INDIAN CHIEF.
 
The Indian Chief gives a SMOKE SIGNAL to a TELEGRAPH OPERATOR.
 
The telegraph operator sends a signal to the BEEFEATER GUARD.
 
The Beefeater salutes with his pike to a SEXY TICKET COLLECTOR on a double-decker bus.
 
The sexy ticket collector signals a TAXI DRIVER.
 
The taxi driver nods back to the assassin as he drives by.
 
38  INT.  CITROEN
 
The assassin gets the signal and starts the car.  The whole nodding sequence was a circular waste
of time.
 
39  EXT.  STREET - VARIOUS ANGLES
 
Austin walks along.  Suddenly, he sees the Citroen coming at him.  He dives out of the way and
takes off running.  He rounds a corner and pretends to be a COUPLE MAKING OUT against a wall by
hugging himself.
 
The assassin sees him and slams on the brakes.  He raises his gun.  Austin turns as he hears a car
HONK.
 
It's Austin's BEETLE CONVERTIBLE.  The mysterious woman steps out.  We see her in her entirety for
the first time, and what a sight it is.  She has long auburn hair and wears a tight racing suit,
unzipped just enough to show the female symbol medallion.
 
She is FELICITY SHAGWELL.
 
MUSIC:  Felicity's Theme
 
                                        FELICITY
         Care for a ride?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         That's my Beetle, baby.
 
                                        FELICITY
         It was your Beetle.  Get in.
 
Austin dives in as the assassin FIRES.  The car speeds off.
 
40  INT.  BEETLE (REAR PROJECTION)
 
Felicity drives expertly.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin Powers, I presume?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Powers by name, Powers by reputation.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Felicity Shagwell, CIA.  Shagwell by name, Shag-very-Well by reputation.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                    (turning to camera)
         Crazy, baby!
 
41  EXT.  ROAD
 
The Beetle zips along, and then-- the Citroen appears behind it.  The assassin FIRES.
 
42  INT.  BEETLE
 
Felicity turns around to look.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Grab the wheel, would you?
 
Austin grabs the wheel and Felicity pulls a gun.  She turns and FIRES out the window.
 
43  EXT.  ROAD
 
The assassin's tire BLOWS.  The car skids towards a Cliff and he jumps out as it goes over.
 
44  EXT.  CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN
 
The car goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three times before it EXPLODES.
 
45  EXT.  CLIFF
 
The assassin hangs on to a branch with one hand.  He falls.
 
                                        ASSASSIN
         Ahhhhhhhh!
 
46  EXT.  CLIFF SEEN FROM THE OCEAN
 
Same shot as the car:  The assassin's body goes over and tumbles down the cliff, bouncing three
times before it, too, EXPLODES.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Well, Austin, I think this time you may have met your match.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, I've beaten Dr. Evil before, and I'll beat him again.
 
                                        FELICITY
         I was talking about me.
 
She smiles, turns, and walks away.
 
47  INT.  AUSTIN'S PAD
 
The room is dark, with only a single spotlight providing illumination.  Suddenly, Austin and
Felicity rise on an elevator into the middle of the spotlight.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Welcome to my shag pad, baby.
 
Light floods the pad, revealing hanging basket chairs, Hi-fi, and Warhol silk screens of Austin. 
Austin blows DUST off a table.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Care for something to drink?
 
Austin hits a button and a bookcase revolves to reveal a wetbar.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Or perhaps something to read?
 
Austin walks seductively over to the real- .-;etbar and hits a button.  It revolves to reveal-a
bookcase.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         How about a hot cup of coffee?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Yes, I rather fancy a grind.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, Behave!
 
Austin hits a button and an automatic coffee-pourer pours a cup.
 
MUSIC:  Girl from Impenema by JOBIM
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Would you like a...mas-sage? A sensssual mas-sage?
 
Austin hits a button and a series of actions take place: the floor opens up to reveal a sunken bed;
red gels slide into place over the lamps; a painting slides back to reveal a reel-to-reel; an end
table revolves to reveal a selection of massage oils.
 
Felicity lies on her stomach.  Austin begins to massage her.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         How does that feel, baby?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Mmm, lower.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                   (lowering his voice)
         HOW DOES THAT FEEL, BABY?
 
They laugh.  Austin continues to massage her.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Wait, something's itching me.
 
She reaches behind her and unties the strap of her evening dress, revealing her naked back.
 
                                        FELICITY
         That's better.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Crikey!!!
 
Austin GULPS and accidentally spurts way too much oil on her.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Sorry.
 
Austin continues the back rub and Felicity stretches out on the bed.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                  (talking to his crotch)
         Hello, anyone home? C'mon lads, do it for England.
 
Austin takes a peak-- nothing.  He is panicked.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Oh, that was so relaxing.  Felicity stretches very sexily.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Would you 'like to see my etchings?
 
                                        FELICITY
                                         (sexy)
         I think I'm ready for bed.
 
She moves close to Austin.  He slides to the other side of the bed.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I'll get you some PJs.
 
                                        FELICITY
         No, I'm ready for bed.
 
She moves over to him.  He avoids her.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, you'll want to clean your teeth then.
 
Austin holds up toothpaste and toothbrush.  Felicity finally grabs him and pins him to the bed.
 
                                        FELICITY
         No, I want to have sex with you, Austin.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Hello Vicar!
 
                                        FELICITY
         I've studied everything about you- your methods, your accomplishments, your
         preferences.  You're the reason I became a spy.  Now, I've waited two years
         to meet you, so I say we get busy making up for lost time.
 
Austin sits up.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                       (reflective)
         Felicity, I used to think that way, too, but I guess...I guess I've changed. 
         Not to make a short story long, or to ramble on and on, or to keep talking in a
         repetitive manner ad infinitum until it becomes impossible to remember what I
         was talking about in the first place, but- where was I?
 
MUSIC:  sad instrumental
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh yes.  Felicity, I can't shag you.  I've lost my mojo.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                 (obviously disappointed)
         Oh.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I thought coming back to the Sixties would bring it back, but it hasn't.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, don't worry.  I know just the man to help you.  He's my guru.  Ringo
         recommended him and he's the best.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I'll warm up the Jumbo Jet, baby!
 
48  EXT.  AUSTIN'S PSYCHEDELIC JUMBO JET
 
Austin's plane in flight.
 
49  EXT.  INDIA - STOCK FOOTAGE
 
EXT./INT.  BEETLE
 
Austin and Felicity drive against obvious rear screen projection of India.
 
51  INT.  ASHRAM
 
It looks like a mosque, with incense, tapestries, and DISCIPLES.  Austin and Felicity enter.
 
MUSIC:  sitar
 
                                        FELICITY
         There he is.  That's my guru.
 
We see the GURU PITKA (played by Mike), an Indian man in a bright red sari.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Guru, I'd like you to meet Austin Powers.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         How are you baby?
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         My chakras are aligned and I am in a perfect state of equipoise.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Good on ya.  I don't know what that means but it sounds fab.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Guru, we need some advice.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Hold your horses and any other beasts-of burden.  I must lead my disciples in
         meditation and then I-will help you.
 
The Guru walks to the front of the room and the disciples sink to their knees.
 
                                        DISCIPLES
         Ahhhhhh!
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         My name is the Guru Pitka.  I am a spiritual teacher and I have combined many
         disparate disciplines into a unified movement of human potentiality and
         equipoise that I learned from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who
         died mysteriously of a disease that strangely had all the hallmarks of
         syphilis.  He would say to me, Sparky, love is all, life is breath.
 
                                        DISCIPLES
         Ahhhhhh!
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Now, perhaps you are wondering where I got the nickname Sparky.  Well, when we
         were young we used to play a game called "Stinkmop".  We would urinate into a
         bucket, dip a mop into it, and play tag.  I did not care for "Stinkmop" and a
         very wise old man said to me 'oh lighten up, Sparky', and I don't know, the
         name kind of stuck.
 
                                        DISCIPLES
         Ahhhhhhhh...
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Now, the reason I am a spiritualist instead of a therapist is that 'therapist'
         often becomes 'the rapist' and that will not help us attain potentiality.  Now
         what is potentiality? It is the ability to achieve those goals that we wish to
         achieve for ourselves.  People often say to me that they feel "nowhere", and I
         am going to change that to "Now here."
 
The guru holds up a card which says "NOWHERE = NOW HERE!"
 
                                        DISCIPLES
         Ahhhhhhh...
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         And you have many assumptions about your goals, but when you "assume" You make
         an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
 
Guru holds up a card which says "ASSUME = ASS - U - ME."
 
                                        DISCIPLES
         Ahhhhhhh....
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         The being, or that which we call 'ourselves', is not the tinker.  It is not the
         taughts.  It is the Gap between the tinker and the taughts! We are not our
         mind, we are not our body, we are the Gap!
 
Guru holds up a card that says "NOT TINKER, NOT TAUGHTS, BUT THE GAP" with the familiar Gap font.
 
                                        DISCIPLES
         Ahhhhh...
 
                                        GURU PITKA
                                       (rapid fire)
         The heart of the matter is that you are the heart of the matter.  There is no
         "I" in "team".  Beer before liquor, never sicker.  Don't take a wooden nickel. 
         If your pipe is short and your pump is weak, you better stand close or you'll
         piss on your feet.  He who goes to bed with itchy bum wakes up with smelly
         finger.
 
                                        DISCIPLES
         Ahhhhh...
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Finally, the path to spiritual awakening requires the death of ego.  Leggo of
         my ego! Let us end with the mantra: Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay
         Vant Yu Hu.
 
                                        DISCIPLES
                                        (chanting)
         Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu...Om Ay Vant Yu Hu.
 
The Guru takes a swig of Yoo-Hoo.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Go with God, and pay at the door please.
 
The disciples file out.  Austin and Felicity approach.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         How can I help you?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Guru, I'm having trouble performing.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         What do you mean?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         You know- my bits and pieces are a bit sleepy.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         I'm not understanding.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I've forgotten the steps to the Mummy-Daddy dance.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Still not clear.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         My flag's at half mast and no one will salute it.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Sorry?
 
                                         AUSTIN.
         My Willie don't work.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Why are you beating around the bush?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         That's my problem.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Ohhhhh, I get it.
                                         (beat)
         No, I don't get it.
 
                                        FELICITY
         He's impotent!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Alright, easy.
                                        (to Guru)
         Felicity and I were all set for some hump Olympics and I couldn't bat for six.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Oh, yes, I see.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Not a word.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Guru, I've lost my mojo.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Oh, mojo! You should have said so.  Well, you've lost your mojo because your
         chakras are misaligned.  You have lost love.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Lost love? Oh, you mean Vanessa?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Who's Vanessa?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         She was an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil.  I couldn't have loved her.
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, buddy.  You will only get your mojo back
         when you surround yourself with love.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, I get what you're saying now! He's talking about free love, baby! Tune in,
         turn on, and drop out!
 
                                        GURU PITKA
         I am talking about true love.  You must stay and study until you are worthy.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         No way, man.  The only way to surround yourself with love is to throw a
         swinging shin-dig! Yeah, baby, yeah!
 
52  INT.  DR.EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR
 
Dr. Evil and Frau are interrupted by the man we now know as FAT BASTARD.  He is foul-mouthed, and
when he swears he is bleeped.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Well done, Fat Bastard.  May I have the mojo?
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         First things first, where's your shitter? I've gotta (bleep)in, turtle head
         pokin' out.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                       (disgusted)
         Right.  Charming.  Fat Bastard- you don't mind me calling you Fat Bastard do
         you?
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         I've got a lot of demons kickin' around in my noggin, but weight issues ain't
         one of them.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Alright, Fatty-
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         The name is Fat Bastard! I'm the incorrect weight for my height and I was born
         out of wedlock, hence the moniker Fat Bastard.  Hey, I'm not kiddin'.  I've got
         a crap on deck that could choke a donkey.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Fat Bastard, the mojo?
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Where's my (bleeping) money?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         A gentlemen never discusses money.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Fine, you can take your (bleep)in' money and shove it up your (bleep), you
         stupid (bleeping) prick! While you're at it you can suck my greasy, two-toned
         (bleep)!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                         (pause)
         Vulgarity is no substitute for wit.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         (Bleeb) you!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Right.  Bring in the money.
 
Dr. Evil PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS drive in a forklift loaded with gold bars.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Alright, here it is.
 
Fat Bastard slowly draws out the high-tech syringe full of MOJO.  Dr. Evil is mesmerized.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Mini-Me, fetch.
 
Mini-Me runs and snatches the mojo from Fat Bastard and gives it to Dr. Evil, who caresses it and
places it on a SPECIALLY PREPARED PEDESTAL.
 
NUMBER TWO enters.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, I have some bad news.  Austin Powers is back in the Sixties.  One of
         our best assassins spotted him but he got away.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         This is ri-goddamn-diculous, we have his mojo.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         There is another.  Felicity Shagwell, CIA.
 
Suddenly, Scott Evil enters through TIME PORTAL.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Scott, what are you doing here?
 
                                          SCOTT
         I don't know, I was sitting around watching the tube and The Courtship of
         Eddie's Father came on Nick at Nite, you know, and I was just listening to that
         theme song--
                                  (hums/sings the theme)
         Anyway it made me think that maybe we could try and work things out.  You know,
         you are my Dad and I need you.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         You had your chance, Scott.  I already have someone created in my image.  He's
         evil, he wants to take over the world, and he fits easily into most overhead
         storage bins.
                                     (looking around)
         Has anyone seen Mini-Me?
                                      (calling out)
         Mini-Me! Mini-Mouse? Mini-Driver? Hello! Mini Pearl? Can we put a frickin' bell
         on him or something?
 
Scott, very hurt, sits back in his chair and sulks.  Dr. Evil hits a button and a model moon and a
model earth descend.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Gentlemen, phase three.  We place a giant laser on the moon.  Let me
         demonstrate.
                                         (beat)
         Where's my laser?
 
Dr. Evil looks around and sees Mini-Me gnawing on the model laser.  Dr. Evil takes it from his
mouth
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Mini-Me, don't chew my laser.
                                        (to room)
         Not feeling well.  He has an ear infection, but tit's OK.
                                         (pause)
         No? Nothing?
                                     (back to model)
         Anyway, the laser is powerful enough to destroy every city on the planet at
         will.  We'll turn the moon into what I like to call a "Death Star".
 
Scott SNICKERS.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         What?
 
                                          SCOTT
                                    (snickering again)
         Nothing Darth.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         What did you call me?
 
                                          SCOTT
         Nothing.
                                   (pretends to sneeze)
         Rip-off!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                        (unsure)
         Bless you? Anyways, since my "death star" laser was invented by the noted
         Cambridge physicist, Dr.  Parsons.  I thought we'd name it in his honor-- the
         Alan Parsons Project.
 
Scott SNICKERS again.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         What now?
 
                                          SCOTT
         The Alan Parsons Project was a progressive rock band from 1982.  Why don't you
         just name it Operation Wang Chung, ass?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                    (indicating laser)
         When you get your own evil empire, you can call it whatever you want. 
         Gentlemen, allow me to demonstrate the awesome lethality of the Alan Parsons
         Project.  Fire the laser!
 
53  INSERT SHOT:
 
A giant laser beam smashes down through the roof of the White House, causing it to explode.
 
Everyone is shocked by the laser's power.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         My God, Dr. Evil, you destroyed the Wihite House with no warning!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Actually, that was just footage from the 1996 blockbuster motion Picture
         Independence Day, but it would be a lot like that.  What do you think, Scott?
 
                                          SCOTT
         Yeah, Codename: Thompson Twins was really impressive.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Shhhh!
 
                                          SCOTT
         I'm nineteen, I don't-
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Shh! Shh-Shh.  Shh-Shhhhhh-Shh.  Shh-shh! It's Morse code.
                                 (reading imaginary paper)
         Let me decipher...it says 'shhhhh!'
 
                                          SCOTT
         You are so lame-
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                  (like Electric Company)
         Ssssss...huuuuuh...Shhhhh!
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, what are we going to do about Powers?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Fat Bastard, in addition to being extremely rotund, you're a vicious killer. 
         Take care of it.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         It'll be my pleasure.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         It's an easy job.  Without his mojo, Powers will be...powerless?
 
54  INT.  AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT
 
A party, packed with dancing freaks of every stripe, is in full swing.  A girl dances in an
oversized birdcage.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         This shag-in is gonna blow your mind, baby, yeah!
 
The party sequence is shot like Laugh-In.  Very fast cuts to the music.
 
Austin sees a VERY PREGNANT WOMAN drinking a martini and smoking.  He gently lifts her drink and
cigarette away from her.
 
                                      PREGNANT WOMAN
         Hey!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         You'll thank me later, baby.
 
Another angle.  Austin and Felicity dancing.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                    (noticing someone)
         Hey! Ricardo Monteblan, how are you?
 
We see RICARDO MONTEBLAN -smoking a hukka on a round chair.
 
                                         RICARDO
         Hello, Austin! Balls, said the queen and the king laughed because he had too.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                       (to camera)
         Crazy, man!
 
                                        FELICITY
         Let's split up and scope the scene.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Don't do anything I wouldn't do- at least not without me.
 
Felicity slaps Austin on the butt as he walks off.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, behave!
 
CUT TO:
 
Austin at the bar with an exotic-looking mod chick.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (to chick)
         You're very exotic, baby.  Do you have a little English in you?
 
                                          CHICK
         No.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Would you like to?
 
CUT TO:
 
An Alan Zeus-type very gay guy.
 
                                      ALAN ZEUS GUY
                                    (rolling his eyes)
         This is ridiculous!
 
CUT TO:
 
A LONDON COP and Felicity are on hanging chairs.
 
                                        LONDON COP
         Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
 
                                        FELICITY
         No, but I bet it really hurts.
 
CUT TO:
 
A GUY IN A RAINCOAT on a tricycle, shot undercranked, rides through the party and falls over.
 
CUT TO:
 
Austin pops into frame with a book that says "AUSTIN POWERS SEXY DICTIONARY".
 
                                         AUSTIN
         The Austin Powers Sexy Dictionary defines an Eskimo hooker as a frosty prosty.
 
CUT TO:
 
An eskimo at the bar in a fur parka.
 
                                         ESKIMO
                                       (to camera)
         I don't get it.
 
CUT TO:
 
The camera pans up Felicity's cool hip-huggers, which are very tight.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Those are skin tight.  How do you get into those pants, baby?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Well you can start by buying me a drink.
 
Austin does a spit take.
 
CUT TO:
 
Felicity with a VIKING.
 
                                         VIKING
         You were great last night.  By the way, I'm Thor.
 
                                        FELICITY
         You're Thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly thit.
 
CUT TO:
 
Austin is wearing a silly spiked German helmet like in Hogan's Heroes.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                     (German accent)
         Hello, I am Baron Von Firstinbed.  Last night I had German-Chinese food.  An
         hour later I was hungry- for power.
 
CUT TO:
 
                                        ZEUS GUY
         Oh puh-leez, why don't you take a handful of F-off pills?
 
CUT TO:
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Did you hear about the contortionist who was engaged to be married?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Yeah, I heard she broke it off.
 
CUT TO:
 
Film running backwards of Austin doing a spit take.
 
CUT TO:
 
ARTIE JOHNSON in German helmet behind a plant.
 
                                      ARTIE JOHNSON
         Verrrrry interesting- but shtupid!
 
CUT TO:
 
Austin takes his glasses off to clean them.  We see his POV, which is totally fuzzy.  He looks over
and sees what appears to be a NUDE GIRL- two round globes and dark triangle.
 
Austin puts his glasses on and looks again.  It is actually a girl in a flesh-colored dress.  In
between her and Austin were two COMPLETELY BALD MEN and a triangular martini glass filled with a
Cosmopolitan.
 
CUT TO:
 
Cut to Austin and Felicity together again.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Look at that.
 
She points to where Fat Bastard and his companion are standing.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         That's not a pretty sight.  Who is he?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Until recently he worked security for the MOD, but we think he might be a
         double agent, possibly for Dr. Evil.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         How do you know?
 
                                        FELICITY
         We've noticed that his lifestyle has changed dramatically.  He's made a lot of
         cash purchases, he's hanging out with foxes half his age, and he's becomes
         quite a fixture on the London party circuit.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Who's the girl?
 
                                        FELICITY
         I don't know, but it looks like he's splitting.
 
Fat Bastard exits.
 
                                        FELICITY
         I'll follow him.  You see what you can get out of the girl.  We'll rendezvous
         later.
 
Felicity follows Fat Bastard out the door.  Austin makes his way over to the girl.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Hello, hello.
 
                                          GIRL
         Hello, Mr. Powers.  Fab party.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Who are you today, baby?
 
                                          GIRL
         Robin.  Robin Swallows.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Swallows? That's an interesting name.  Are you English?
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         German, actually.  My maiden name is Spitz.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Well which is it, baby, Spitz or Swallows? Either way, it's a pleasure.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         The pleasure is mine.
 
She extends her hand.  Austin takes it and shakes.  As he shakes, her cleavage undulates like
jello.  Austin is transfixed and keeps shaking far too long.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Charmed, I'm sure.
                             (still shaking, her breasts jiggle)
         How do you do?
                                 (still shaking, jiggling)
         Yes, quite.
                                     (shakes, jiggles)
         I always enjoy meeting new people.
                                     (shakes, jiggles)
         How's your mum? Good.
                                     (shakes, jiggles)
         I love shaking hands.
 
Austin.  is shaking her hand so vigorously that she is in danger of popping out of her dress.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                   (snapping out of it)
         So, who was your friend?
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         His name is Fat Bastard.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         It suits him.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         He's my lover.
 
Austin is grossed out.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         OK.  Would you happen to know if he's in business with a man named Mr. Evil?
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         I don't know anyone named Dr. Evil.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Really? I said Mister Evil.  Austin does a smug take.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Something to drink? Would you like a Mister Pepper?
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         Yes, I'd love a Doctor Pepper.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Really? I said Mister Pepper.
 
Austin does another smug take.  Robin grabs Austin and pulls him close.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         You're a groovy boy, I'd like to strap you on sometime.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, behave!
 
CUT TO:
 
55  ALAN ZEUS-TYPE GUY IN LIMBO
 
                                      ALAN ZEUS TYPE
         Meanwhile...
 
BACK TO:
 
56  EXT.  FISH AND CHIPS STAND - NIGHT
 
Literally a window in a wall.  Fat Bastard is placing his
order.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         ...and I'll have a fried-prawn sandwich, with extra mayonnaise, two whole
         chickens, a kidney pie, a toad in the hole, bubble and squeak, bangers and
         mash, 3 orders of fish and chips, and...a Fresca.  No ice.
 
We pan to see Felicity beside him.
 
                                        FELICITY
         I love a man with a large appetite.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         And I love a woman with big (bleeps), so let's shut up and get to (bleep)ing.
 
Felicity swallows hard and forces a smile.
 
57  INT.  AUSTIN'S PAD - NIGHT
 
Austin and Robin are the only ones left.  They are dancing a weird Sixties dance.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Can I ask you a question?
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         Yes.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Thank you.
 
Beat.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         Well, what's the question?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, yes.  Would you like to shag? Would you?
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         I'd love to, Mr. Powers, just come right...over...here.
 
Robin moves Austin into place as they dance.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         You're a bit of alright.
 
Just then, Austin looks into her eyes and sees the REFLECTION OF AN ASSASSIN (Oedipus) about to
throw a knife.
 
Just as he throws it, Austin spins Robin Swallows around and USES HER AS A SHIELD.  She takes the
knife squarely in the back.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
                                        (strained)
         Oedipus...use the revolver.
 
Oedipus pulls out a pistol and begins FIRING.  Austin continues to use Robin AS A SHIELD.  She
takes six hits.  Oedipus runs out of bullets.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
                                        (strained)
         Oedipus...use the machine gun.
 
Oedipus pulls out a machine gun and FIRES.  In a Robert Rodriquez-like flurry of events, Austin
dodges while still USING HER AS A SHIELD.
 
Oedipus throws down his gun and charges Austin.  Austin uses Robin's body to block Oedipus's head
butt, but his momentum pushes all three of them through a PLATE GLASS WINDOW of his second story
loft.
 
58  IN MID-AIR
 
As they fall, Austin turns Robin around so that she is between him and the ground.
 
59  EXT.  OUTSIDE AUSTINIS FLAT
 
They land with a THUD.  Robin cushions Austin's fall.  Oedipus is dead on the pavement.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         Oedipus, Oedipus...
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Sorry baby, too late.  He's as dead as vaudeville.
 
                                      ROBIN SWALLOWS
         You can't win, Powers.  Dr. Evil has your mojo and it's only a matter of time
         before he kills you and takes over the world.
                                         (weak)
         Tell Fat Bastard I'll miss him...
 
CUT TO:
 
60  INT.  BEDROOM - NIGHT
 
Felicity is in bed, naked under the sheets, smoking a cigarette.  We hear strange sounds offstage. 
We pan over to reveal she's IN BED WITH A NAKED FAT BASTARD!
 
He is eating a huge turkey leg, his face covered in food.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         I always get (bleep)in' hungry after I get my end away!
 
                                        FELICITY
         I never would have thought that a man of such tremendous girth could be such a,
         um, creative and sensuous lover!
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         You want some chicken? I have more!
 
He rolls over to reveal his HUGE NAKED ASS.
 
Felicity takes a homing device out of her purse, looks around for a place to plant it.  She sees
his enormous butt cleavage and realizes that there's only one place for the thing to go.
 
ANGLE on FAT BASTARD'S face.  He is delighted.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Frisky are we? Alright lets have another go!
 
She is horrified.
 
61  INT.  DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM
 
Dr. Evil at his table with Frau, Scott, and Number Two.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Get me the President of the United States.
 
The PRESIDENT appears on Dr. Evil's video screen with his ADVISORS behind him.
 
62  INT.  OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         Dr. Evil, what do you want?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Now what I want Mr. President, but I will receive.  In 12 hours I will destroy
         Washington, DC with a giant laser.
 
Dr. Evil reveals a giant laser.  Mini-Me is humping it like a dog.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         OK, Mini-Me, why don't you and the laser get a frickin' room.  Honestly.
                                      (to President)
         I will destroy another major city every hour- that is, unless you pay me-
 
SNAP ZOOM
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         One hundred billion dollars!
 
The President and his advisors LAUGH.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         Dr. Evil that's more than the entire federal budget for 1969.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Don't play games with me.  The capitol will disappear if I don't receive
 
SNAP ZOOM
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         One hundred billion dollars!
 
His advisors LAUGH.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         That much money simply doesn't exist.  I don't think l00 billion is even a
         number.  It's like saying I want a kajillion bajillion dollars.
 
His advisors LAUGH.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Come on, Mr. President...
 
SNAP ZOOM:
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         "Show me the money!"
 
Dr. Evil looks around smugly.  No one laughs.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         What?
 
SNAP ZOOM:
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         "Show me the money!"
 
He looks around again, expectantly.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         I'm sorry, I don't understand.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         You know, kwan? Show me the money? No? Nothing?
 
                                          SCOTT
         It's 1969.  That movie won't come out for another 30 years, ass.  They don't
         know what you're talking about.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Right.  OK, see if you understand this: give me the money or I'm going to blow
         you to frickin' bits, OK?
 
The President and his advisors MURMUR.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         But-
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                  (making 'stop' gesture)
         Talk to the hand!
 
Dr. Evil signs off.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                        (to Scott)
         I did love that, though.  Cuba Gooding Jr.  was outstanding.  Oscar speech,
         very touching.
 
Scott looks at him with disgust.
 
                                         DR.EVIL
         Okay, everybody clear the room!
 
Everyone leaves and he walks over to a panel bearing his logo.  He presses a button, the panel
opens up to reveal...A SECRET SHRINE TO AUSTIN POWERS!
 
In it we see a huge full-length photo of Austin Powers, and various magazine covers.
 
He presses a button and an Austin wig descends from the ceiling landing perfectly on his bald
head.  A backless mockup of Austin's suit rises from the floor.  He puts on a pair of glasses.  He
has become Austin Powers.
 
Dr. Evil cautiously tastes the mojo.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Yeah, baby.  Very shagedelic.
                                         (beat)
         This isn't working.  I don't feel anything.
 
We PUSH IN towards Dr. Evil's head.
 
FLASH CUT TO:
 
63  DR. EVIL ANIMATED SEQUENCE
 
A Yellow Submarine-like depiction of Dr. Evil.  Zoom in on his head which explodes into 30 other
small Dr. Evil heads which rain on a Peter Max-ian valley of flowers.  The flowers sprout the word
"EVIL'.
 
A psychedelic flying Austin head with spirals in the glasses smashes the flowers, changing the
words from "EVIL" to "VILE" and to "LIVE" and then to "LOVE".
 
Turn-of-the-century fat cat capitalists on stilts with teeth coming out of their stomachs drop
penis rockets that have the word "GREED" written on the shaft, smashing the "LOVE" flowers into
"IRELO" which sprouts into "YELLOW" which turns into submarines, which becomes yellow penises of
huge, goose-stepping Dr. Evils, each of them peeing, creating a rain of urine that falls on the
Peter Max-ian valley of a hundred Austin Powers citizens.  They each open an umbrella that says
"LOVE TRIUMPHS OVER LUST".  The urine turns into a stream that flows into the mouth of a huge head
of Dr. Evil.
 
FLASH CUT BACK TO:
 
64  INT.  DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - AUSTIN SHRINE
 
Pull back from Dr. Evil's head.  He looks dazed and confused.  Just then, Number Two re-enters the
room, catching Dr. Evil with all his Austin paraphernalia.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, one last thing.  I-- oh.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         I was just...right.  Would it kill you to frickin' knock?
 
65  EXT./INT.  CARNABY STREET - DAY
 
Austin and Felicity walk along the street.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, tell me about the Nineties.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         You know I can't tell you details about the future, baby, it could alter
         history.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Not details, just what it's like.  You know, what's the scene? Where's it at?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         There've been a lot of advances in the Nineties, baby.  The economy is stable,
         people take better care of their health concern for the environment is on the
         rise and, um, let's see, there's an entire television channel dedicated to
         golf.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Sounds awful.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         It's not so bad once you get used to it.  The Nineties are about
         responsibility.  You know, having respect for yourself and other people.  I
         even got married.
 
                                        FELICITY
         You? Married?  What about the sexual revolution?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Well, it turns out there were some casualties, baby.  Don't you think you'll
         ever get married?
 
                                        FELICITY
         No, not until I get a little more 'experience' under my belt.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, behave!
 
Suddenly Austin notices something outside and puts his hand to his mouth in fear.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                       (wide-eyed)
         Oh my God!
 
Felicity is immediately on her guard.  She pulls her gun.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                     (looking around)
         What is it! Is it Fat Bastard?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         No, written here on my hand, see?
 
Austin turns his hand around to show her.  He has written 'oh my God' on his hand with the pen.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Says 'Oh my God!'
 
They laugh.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, look.
 
Austin and Felicity duck into a CAMERA SHOP and come out an instant later with SUPER-8 CAMERAS. 
They run down the street filming each other.
 
AUSTIN AND FELICITY - SUPER-8 MONTAGE
 
This is a Richard Lester-like sequence shot on grainy film from Austin and Felicity's POVs. 
There's lots of SPEEDED UP stuff and POPPING IN AND OUT of frame like the MONKEES TV show.
 
BACK ON THE STREET
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Felicity, I haven't had this much fun since I worked undercover in Amsterdam-
         '66 I think it was.
 
                                        FELICITY
         1965, actually.  You posed as a Dutch cheese expert to stop Dr. Evil from
         poisoning the world's water supply.
 
Austin is impressed.
 
                                        FELICITY
         I've studied your file, Austin.  I want to be a trailblazer, just like you. 
         The Seventies are right around the corner.  It's going to be a glorious time
         for fashion and music and technology-- it won't be long before every flying car
         has its own 8-track.
 
Austin starts to say something, then bites his tongue.
 
                                        FELICITY
         The CIA has always been a boy's club until now.  Well move over, this chick's
         taking over.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (hoarse)
         Very impressive.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, your voice!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Yes, I think I'm coming down with something.
 
Austin and Felicity stop at an ICE CREAM MAN with his pushcart.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I'll get some ice cream.  Would you like some?
 
                                        FELICITY
         No thanks.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                 (hoarse, to ice cream man)
         Could I have two scoops of Vanilla, please?
 
                                      ICE CREAM MAN
         Right away, governor.  Would you like chocolate syrup?
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (hoarse)
         Yes, please.
 
                                      ICE CREAM MAN
         Will you have any whipped cream?
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (hoarse)
         I will, thank you.
 
                                       ICE [email protected] MAN
         Candy sprinkles?
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (hoarse)
         Yes please.
 
                                      ICE CREAM MAN
         Crushed nuts?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         No, laryngitis.
 
                                      ICE CREAM MAN
         Here's your change, sir.  Oh, and Austin--
 
We cut back to the ICE CREAM MAN to see him pulling off a very fake beard.  It is BASIL (though it
was clearly another actor before).
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                 (now with phlegmy throat)
         Basil!
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Hello, Austin.  What's wrong with your voice?
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                  (still phlegmy throat)
         I just had ice cream.  Listen to me, I have dairy throat.
         MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
         AND IT WAS ALWAYS GRUNTIN'
         SHE TIED IT TO A FIVE BAR GATE
         AND KICKED IT'S LITTLE-
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
                                      (Interrupting)
         Austin! Things are heating up, so I thought it best to contact you in
         disguise.  Felicity, your plan worked.  You and Austin track Fat Bastard back
         to Dr. Evil.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         But how can we track Fat Bastard?
 
                                        FELICITY
         I planted a homing device on him last night.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Yes, and we're starting to pick up the signal now.
 
Basil hands Felicity a tracking device that BEEPS.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         How did you get close enough to plant a homing device?
 
                                        FELICITY
         I shagged him, I shagged him rotten.
 
Austin and Basil are confused and grossed out at the same time.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         You...him? Just like that?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Yes, Austin, we needed that information.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Well, thanks to your effort, Felicity, we now know that-
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                (interrupting, to Felicity)
         Did you use an elaborate set of pulleys? A block and tackle?
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Anyway, you two follow the signal back to Dr. Evil's headquarters and then-
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                (interrupting, to Felicity)
         I just can't get my head around it, baby.  You're so small and he's so ...  not
         small.  The sheer mechanics of it are mindboggling!
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Never mind, Austin, you two have work to do.  You must find Dr. Evil.
 
66  INT.  BEETLE
 
We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen built into the dash.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I got it! A Chinese basket with a counter-weighted ballast.  That's how you did
         it, right?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, it almost sounds like you're jealous.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Who, me? That's not possible, baby!
                                    (beat, to himself)
         is it?
 
Just then a-car pulls beside them.  Two Dr. Evil Private Army guys pull machine guns and start
SHOOTING.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Get down!
 
Felicity ducks.  Austin reaches back and pulls ROBIN SWALLOWS from the back seat and USES HER AS A
SHIELD.
 
                                        FELICITY
         We're obviously on the right track.
                                   (re: tracking screen)
         It looks like Fat Bastard is-on an island in the middle of the ocean.
 
67  EXT.  DR. EVIL'S ISLANDNIGHT
 
We hear the BEEP-BEEP of the tracking screen.
 
68  EXT.  BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - NIGHT
 
The Beetle comes from under the water and lands on the beach.  We still hear the BEEP-BEEP.
 
69  EXT.  TENT - WOODS - NIGHT
 
Austin and Felicity have set up a tent with a view of the Dr. Evil Mt.  Rushmore face.  Austin is
looking at the mountain through a pair of binoculars which hang around his neck.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         According to the readings, Dr. Evil's headquarters is over the next ridge.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Can I have a look?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Sure.
 
Austin hands her the binoculars.  Unfortunately the strap is still around his neck, pulling his
face into her cleavage.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Question is, how do we get in?
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (muffled)
         Mmmmmmm...mmmmm...
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, did you hear me?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I seem to be stuck in your dirty pillows.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Where are the topographical maps that Basil drew up?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I think they're in the tent.
 
He and Felicity enter the tent.  A LIGHT is on inside casting shadows of Austin and Felicity on the
side of the tent.  From the outside it appears the shadow Austin is leaning over with his back
to-the shadow Felicity, who appears to have her hands up his butt.
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         Have you got it out yet?
 
                                      FELICITY (VO)
         Good Lord, Austin, what sort of things do you put in there?
 
The shadow Felicity appears to be tugging a string of sausage links from his ass.
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         Oh, anything that catches my fancy.
 
                                      FELICITY (VO)
         How do you manage to fit it all in?
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         Oh, it stretches to fit.
 
The shadow Felicity appears to pull a tennis racket out of Austin's ass.
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         Are you almost done? I can't hold it much longer.
 
INT.  TENT
 
We see that Austin is leaned over holding part of the tent.  Felicity is rummaging through a duffel
bag across the tent.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Here we go, one hammer.  It's amazing how much this duffel bag will hold.
 
INT.  DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR
 
We see Dr. Evil playing a piano.  We pan to see Mini-Me on top of the piano, himself playing a
miniature baby grand.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                        (singing)
         'WHAT IF GOD WAS ONE OF US?
         JUST A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US?'
 
We see that Number Two and Frau are the audience.  They applaud.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, that was fantastic, but I do have some bad news.  Powers' is on the
         island.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         How tedious.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Don't worry, Dr. Evil, we can get to him by using the girl.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Really?
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         I have the perfect weapon.  Frau?
 
                                          FRAU
                                        (shouting)
         Bring in the He-Bots!
 
MUSIC:  It's Rainina Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS
 
Three HE-BOTS enter in unison.  They are robotic studs in Logan's Run type outfits.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, may I present the He-Bots.  What kind of woman could resist these
         perfect specimens of masculinity? Their clothes are stylish, their posture is
         ramrod straight, and their buttocks are tight, like tigers.  And, each He-Bot
         is armed with a secret weapon.
 
Angle on the first He-Bot.  A nozzle flips up from his codpiece and white smoke pours out.
 
                                     NUMBER TWO (OC)
         Poison gas...
 
Angle on the second He-Bot.  A gun barrel flips out form his crotch and FIRES machine-gun style.
 
                                     NUMBER TWO (OC)
         Machine gun...
 
Angle on the third He-Bot.  A nozzle flips up from his crotch and yellow liquid drizzles out onto
the floor, where it smokes.
 
                                     NUMBER TWO (OC)
         And deadly acid.
 
Dr. Evil is disgusted by the last one.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Right.  I object to the last one on aesthetic grounds, but I don't care how you
         get Powers, just bring him to me.
                                       (to Mini-Me)
         Ready Mini-Me? A one and a two and...
                                        (singing)
         ME, AND MY SHA-
         DOW
         STROLLING DOWN THE A-VA-
                                        (rapidly)
         WASN'T A STREET, WASN'T M A ROAD
         WASN'T A BOULEVARD
                                     (dancing in step)
         ME, AND MY SHA-
         DOW ALL ALONE AND FEE-LING...
 
                                         MINI-ME
                                  (voice unnaturally low)
         BLUE!
 
71  EXT.  TENT
 
We see the shadows again.  It now looks like Felicity is putting things into Austin's ass.
 
                                      FELICITY (VO)
         Do you want everything to go back in?
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         Yes.  Listen, Felicity, about Fat Bastard-
 
                                      FELICITY (VO)
         It's my job, Austin.  You of all people should understand that.  Marakesh,
         1962.  Rome, 1964.  Tokyo, 1966.  I know your record backwards and forwards. 
         You've had more sex on the job than a Swedish stewardess.
 
The shadow Felicity tries to cram the tennis racket into what appears to be Austin's ass.
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         You're right, Felicity, I can't deny it.  But the world changed, and I changed
         too.
 
Pull back to reveal that THE HE-BOTS are watching.  Felicity shoves the tennis racket extra hard. 
Austin stands up rapidly.
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         Ow!
                                         (beat)
         My back hurts.
 
                                      FELICITY (VO)
         Are you OK?
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         I'm fine, just keeping packing.
 
The He-Bots shrug their shoulders and march towards the tent.
 
72  INT.  DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - 60'S
 
Dr. Evil, Fat Bastard, Scott, Number Two and Frau are seated.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Christ Almighty, it smells terrible in here.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         It's the volcanic sulphurous emissions.  We've put up some air fresheners.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Great, now it smells like someone took a shite in a pine tree.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Dr. Evil, the laser has been loaded into the rocket.  You're ready for launch.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         I'm just waiting to taunt my nemesis.  I have so few pleasures, you know.
 
Austin and Felicity are brought in at gunpoint by Private Army Men.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Ah, Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell, welcome to my hollowed-out volcano.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         We meet again, Dr. Evil.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Yes, the only reason I'm keeping you alive is so you can feel the agony of
         watching my plan unfold.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Dr. Evil your plan will never--
 
Austin trails off as he spots his MOJO in the beaker behind Dr. Evil.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Oh, is that yours?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         My mojo!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         You know what they say: finders keepers, loser weepers.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Dr. Evil, do you like real estate?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Of course.  Why?
 
Felicity kicks Dr. Evil in the balls.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Now you've got a couple of achers.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Oww! My stomach hurts!
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                        (wincing)
         I don't care if he is evil, you don't give a man a shot in the pills.  It's
         just not cricket, baby.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Take them away.
 
The guards lead Austin and Felicity away.
 
                                          SCOTT
         She just hoofed you in the sack and you're going to leave them alone in a jail
         cell with one inept guard? They'll escape, dipshit.  You do this every time!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         You're going the right way for a smacked bottom, young man.
 
                                          SCOTT
         You don't own me!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         I do actually.
                                    (pulling out paper)
         It's complicated.  Usually it's illegal but this buddy of mine...but I
         digress.  Fat Bastard, I'm leaving you in charge.  I'm going up the moon to
         hold the world ransom with my giant laser, I shouldn't be long.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         What about Powers?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         He's tucked away safely in his cell.  He's harmless without that mojo.  Guard
         it with your life.
                                     (to Number Two)
         Number Two, begin the countdown.
 
The area around Dr. Evil's command chair, including the time portal behind it, is enclosed by a
circular door, becoming part of the rocket.  Steam begins billowing, etc.
 
                                        NUMBER TWO
         Five, four, three ...
 
73  EXT.  VOLCANO ISLAND (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)
 
                                     NUMBER TWO (VO)
         Two, one, liftoff!
 
The rocket lifts off from the volcano into the night sky.
 
74  EXT.  NIGHT SKY (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN)
 
The rocket in flight.
 
75  FULL SCREEN - NORAD TRACKING SCREEN
 
The rocket enters the screen.  It has the silhouette of a flying penis.
 
76  INT.  TRACKING ROOM
 
                                        OPERATOR
         Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
 
                                         COLONEL
         What is it, son?
 
                                        OPERATOR
         I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant--
 
CUT TO:
 
77  INT.  COCKPIT - JET
 
                                          PILOT
         Dick!
 
                                        CO-PILOT
         Yes?
 
                                          PILOT
         Take a look out of starboard.
 
                                        CO-PILOT
         Oh my God, it looks like a huge--
 
78  EXT.  WOODS
 
                                           MAN
         Pecker!
 
                                          WOMAN
         Where?
 
He raises his binoculars.
 
                                           MAN
         Over there.  A rare red-billed woodpecker!
                                (looks over with binoculars)
         What sort of bird is that? Oh goodness, it's not a bird, it's-
 
CUT TO:
 
79  EXT.  ARMY BASE
 
                                        SERGEANT
         Privates! We have reports of an Unidentified Flying Object.  It has a long,
         smooth shaft, complete with-
 
80  EXT.  BASEBALL DIAMOND
 
                                         UMPIRE
         Two balls! No strikes.
                                       (looking up)
         What is that? It looks just like an enormous--
 
CUT BACK TO:
 
81  INT.  RADAR ROOM
 
                                         COLONEL
         Johnson!
 
                                      RADAR OPERATOR
         Yes, sir?
 
                                         COLONEL
         Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.
 
82  INT.  JAIL CELL
 
Austin and Felicity are in a bare cell with cement walls.  The huge metal door has a window with
bars in it.
 
                                        FELICITY
         How are we going to get out of here?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Why don't you just shag Fat Bastard again?
 
                                        FELICITY
                                       (exploding)
         Austin, that is it! I don't know what happened to you in the Nineties, but I'm
         still here, in the Sixties, and I still swing! Don't try to lay your hang-ups
         on me just because you lost your mojo!  That one hurts.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Ouch, baby, very ouch.  I'm wounded.
 
                                        FELICITY
         I'm sorry, Austin, that was a cheap shot.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         No, baby, you're right.  I was wrong to judge you.  I guess I am...jealous.
 
                                        FELICITY
         But the Austin Powers I knew was wild and crazy and free.  He could never be
         jealous.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         That Austin is gone.  I've changed.  I knew someone, not long ago, a very
         special woman.  She taught me that life isn't about jumping into the sack with
         whoever comes along, it's about caring and responsibility.  And while it is
         true she turned out to be an evil robot minion of Dr. Evil, I suppose I really
         did...love her.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Was that your wife?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Yes, Vanessa.
 
Felicity is touched.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Listen, Austin, I can't pretend to understand everything you've gone through,
         but I trust you.  I'll make you a deal: if we get out of here alive, I'll give
         monogamy a try.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         With me?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Yes, silly.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Groovy, baby!
 
They kiss.
 
                                        FELICITY
         We need to lure the guard inside and get his key.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Alright, what if I pretend to be desperately ill with food poisoning? The
         guard, drawn by my cries of pain, will come to investigate.  Meanwhile, you dig
         a pit and line it with makeshift punji sticks made from sharpened
         toothbrushes.  The guard falls in, Bob's your uncle, and we've got the key. 
         What do you think?
 
                                        FELICITY
         That might work, but how about this?
 
Felicity charges towards the window in the door, ripping open her blouse as she goes, showing her
breasts to the guard.  We, however, can't see them.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                  (giving a wolf whistle)
         What do you think of these, my man?
 
83  INT.  HALLWAY OUTSIDE CELL
 
The guard is mesmerized by Felicity.
 
                                          GUARD
         Mommy...
 
He unlocks the door and enters.
 
84  INT.  JAIL CELL
 
The guard enters an apparently empty cell.  We see that Austin is wedged spread-eagle above the
door, ready to pounce.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                   (seductive, to guard)
         It's very hot in here, don't you think?
 
The guard follows her into the cell.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                       (irritated)
         It's very hot in here, don't you think?
 
The guard advances on her.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                     (breaking cover)
         Austin!
 
                                         AUSTIN
                                       (from above)
         I'm very firmly wedged.
 
                                        FELICITY
         If you want something done...
 
She PUNCHES the guard right in the face and he collapses.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Almost...got it!
 
Austin falls flat on his face with a THUMP and pops back up.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Let's go get my mojo!
 
85  INT.  DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE
 
It is a stark, steel girder and glass structure.  Dr. Evil is trying to look dignified but he is
FLOATING AWAY.  He grabs at the railing of his chair as his feet float up.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Has anyone seen my gravity booties? Honestly, all I wanted was a frickin' moon
         base.  Hello, we're on the moon, no gravity?
                                      (calling out)
         Mini-Me? Are you alright?
 
ANGLE ON the top of the room.  Mini-Me is stuck to the top of the ceiling along with a lot of
DEBRIS.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         My frickin' mascot is stuck to the ceiling, OK? Not good.  Papa not happy.
 
A couple of henchmen place BOOTS on Dr. Evil.  He drops to the floor.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                       (looking up)
         Somebody get the stick.  Hold on, Mini-Me.
                                     (into microphone)
         Begin laser-
 
He's interrupted by terrible FEEDBACK.  Dr. Evil taps and blows on the mic.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                    (into microphone).
         Begin-
 
Worse FEEDBACK.  He holds it farther away.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                        (into mic)
         Begin laser ignition sequence.
 
The laser's coils begin to glow RED.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Lunar alignment in 6 hours.
 
86  FULL FRAME - LUNAR TRACKING MODEL
 
A NORAD-type screen showing the current position of the moon and where it needs to be before the
laser can fire.
 
87  INT.  DR. EVIL'S VOLCANO LAIR - MAIN ROOM
 
Austin and Felicity run into the Main Room.  It is strangely dark and quiet.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Where's your mojo, Austin?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I'm not sure.
 
MUSIC:  It's Raining Men by THE WEATHERGIRLS
 
Suddenly, the lights dim.  The three He-Bots descend from the ceiling on trapezes and acrobatic
rings, their muscles rippling.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Watch out, baby, He-Bots!
 
The He-Bots flip off their trapezes and land in unison, like a perfect Olympic dismount.  Their
crotch nozzles flip up one by one.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I can't fight them without my mojo.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Who said anything about fighting?
 
MUSIC:  seductive music
 
Felicity does a very seductive dance, with hip thrusts and bumps and grinds.  The He-Bots EXPLODE,
succumbing to her mojo.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Smashing, Felicity, you were making me very horny, man! Extremely randy,
         indeed!
 
                                     FAT BASTARD (OC)
         C'mon, give the lads a show.  Take of your top.  Put 'em on the glass! Make 'em
         bounce.  Let's have a look at your tits.
 
Austin and Felicity turn to see Fat Bastard lurking in the background.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Fat Bastard!
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Looking for this, Mr. Powers?
 
Fat Bastard, holds the beaker and is flanked by a dozen private army men.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Give me back my mojo, Fat Bastard!
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         I give the orders, (bleep) for brains.  Guards, take them back to their cells.
 
Guards approach.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Hold on, let me ask you one question.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Alright, I guess I owe you that much for a night of carnal ecstasy.
 
Austin is grossed out.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Are you happy?
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         What kind of stupid ass question is that? I'm (bleep)in' rich and I'm up to my
         tits in clean stinky.
 
                                        FELICITY
         You didn't answer my question, are you happy?
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         It's about my girth isn't it? Sure I could lose a few pounds, but I could shiva
         git!
 
                                        FELICITY
         Are you happy?
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Of course I'm not happy.  Look at me, I'm a big fat slob.  I've got bigger
         titties than you do! I've got more (bleep)in' chins than a Chinese phone book. 
         I've got more crack cheese than a (bleep)in' dairy.  I've nay seen ma willie in
         two years.  That's enough time to declare it legally deed! I can't stop
         eating.  I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat.
                                     (starts to cry)
         I'm caught in a cycle and there's no escape!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Maybe inside that Fat Bastard there's a thin bastard, trying to get out
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         Maybe there's big crap inside me trying to get out, jack-ass! Enough of your
         (bleep)in' new age aphorisms.  Listen, I've run the gamut of self-help books. 
         "Food isn't love", right, but how do you get it from the page to the (bleep)in'
         fork? I'm so weak, I hate myself.  I'm for shite.  Here, take the mojo.
 
Fat Bastard hands over the mojo.
 
                                       FAT BASTARD
         I appreciate you trying to reach me, no one can do it for me, I know this now. 
         There's a hole in my soul that food won't fill.  This is the beginning of a new
         me.  I'm gonna go to the gym everyday.  If you'll excuse me, there's someone I
         have to get in touch with and forgive...myself.
                                         (pause)
         Sorry.  I farted.
                                         (pause)
         It's a long road ahead.
 
88  EXT.  BEACH - DR. EVIL'S ISLAND - DAY
 
Austin and Felicity run up to the Beetle.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Hold on, I have something very important to do.
 
Austin drinks the mojo.
 
                                        FELICITY
         How do you feel?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Sound as a pound, my spuds are boiling.  Fancy a shag?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, we don't have time.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         C'mon, luv, let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing!
 
                                        FELICITY
         Dr. Evil's taken his laser to the moon.  The world is in danger.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Right, the moon.  I think I know someone who can give us a lift.
 
89  EXT.  CAPE CANAVERAL - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)
 
The Apollo ready for lift-off.
 
                                     NEWSCASTER (VO)
         There's been some sort of delay in the launch of Apollo 11, Walter, but we
         understand that America's first manned mission to the moon will be blasting off
         shortly.
 
90  INT.  CAPSULE
 
Pan across Austin in a spacesuit, then Felicity in her spacesuit, then CAMEO ASTRONAUT in his space
suit.  They are surrounded by hundreds of gauges, buttons and meters.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Gor blimey, you'd have to be a rocket scientist to figure this stuff out.
 
                                        ASTRONAUT
         I am a rocket scientist.
 
A technician closes the hatch and the countdown begins.
 
                                  MISSION COMMANDER (VO)
         We will have lift-off in T minus 10 seconds...9...8...etc.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Felicity, if you get frightened, just hold my hand.
 
91  EXT.  CAPE CANAVERAL (STOCK FOOTAGE)
 
The rocket lifts off.
 
                                  MISSION COMMANDER (VO)
         We have lift-off! Apollo 11 has cleared the tower and is heading for a
         rendezvous with the moon.
 
92  INT.  APOLLO CAPSULE
 
The G-forces during lift-off are incredible.  Austin's face is pulled into a contorted mask which
bares his teeth.  His hair sticks straight up and his glasses are twisted.
 
Austin is terrified.  He clutches Felicity's hand, then grabs on to the astronaut beside him. 
Felicity, however, loves it.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                        (yelling)
         Yaaaaa-hoooo!
 
93  EXT.  SPACE - APOLLO ROCKET (STOCK FOOTAGE)
 
The stages separate.
 
94  INT.  NASA CONTROL ROOM
 
Basil sits at the console with NASA technicians.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Austin, you have achieved lunar orbit.  How was that lift-off?
 
95  INT.  CAPSULE - APOLLO ROCKET (INTERCUT)
 
                                         AUSTIN
         To be honest it was terrifying.  It felt like sitting on top of a bomb.  As I
         punched through the atmosphere, I said 'Oh my God!' and I soiled myself.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Happens all the time in that situation.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         No, I mean I soiled myself just now when I said oh 'my God!'
 
                                        FELICITY
         Basil, it was amazing!
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Prepare for moon landing.  We only have one hour until Dr. Evil fires the
         laser!
 
96  EXT.  MOON LANDING (STOCK FOOTAGE)
 
The lunar module settles on the moon.
 
                                       AUSTIN (VO)
         Mission control, the swinger has landed.
 
97  EXT.  LUNAR MODULE - SURFACE OF THE MOON
 
Austin and Felicity step out in their spacesuits.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         This is one small step for man, but a giant step for shagging.  Can you imagine
         it, baby, weightless? The permutations are mind-boggling.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Naughty boy!
 
Austin plants a UNION JACK on the moon.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         God Save the Queen.
 
98  INT.  NASA CONTROL ROOM
 
The MISSION COMMANDER shakes his head.
 
                                     MISSION COMMANDER
         The Queen? This is an American show, goddammit.  Let's roll that footage we
         shot last week in the studio.
 
99  INT.  1960'S AMERICAN HOME (STOCK FOOTAGE)
 
A family gathers around the TV, watching Neil Armstrong's 'real' moon landing.
 
100  INT.  DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE
 
Dr. Evil walks all the way around a TUBULAR HALLWAY-- up the walls, across the ceiling upside down,
and back again, settling into his chair.  It is like that shot in 2001 SPACE ODYSSEY.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Position the laser.
 
The laser shifts into place.  An ALARM goes off and LIGHTS FLASH.
 
                                      ANNOUNCER (VO)
         WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Get me the President.
 
The screen flickers on:
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Mr. President, your time is up.  This is your last chance to pay 100 billion
         dollars or see Washington DC destroyed.
 
                                      ANNOUNCER (VO)
         WARNING, LASER CALIBRATION!
 
The ALARM continues to blare.
 
101  INT.  OVAL OFFICE (SPLIT SCREEN)
 
The President at his desk.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         What? I can't hear you.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Pay me 100 billion dollars or see Washington DC destroyed!
 
The ALARM BLARES.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         I'm sorry, I just can't hear you.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                        (louder)
         How about now?
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         Better.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         The Capital will be destroyed-
 
The ALARM BLARES.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         Sorry! I just can't- I think it's that alarm.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Could someone shut off that frickin' alarm? I'm trying to hold the free world
         hostage here.  Honestly.
                                        (shouting)
         I WILL DESTROY WASHINGTON DC UNLESS YOU PAY ME-
          
The ALARM SHUTS OFF but Dr. Evil is still shouting.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                        (shouting)
         100 BILLION DOLLARS!
 
His yelling startles even himself.
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         Please Dr. Evil, be reasonable.  That's more money than is in the entire
         Federal Treasury!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Oh well, I guess you have one minute to- "show me the money"!
 
                                        PRESIDENT
         I still don't know what that means.  I can't show you the money because we
         don't have the money.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Then I suppose you're up shit's crick without a paddle.
 
102  INT.  NASA CONTROL ROOM
 
A white room with a bank of old-fashioned computers and a tracking screen.  Basil, several
GENERALS, and other VIPs look anxiously over the shoulder of the MISSION CONTROL SPECIALISTS.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Gentlemen, Austin has landed on the moon.  We'll soon know whether he has
         succeeded or whether the world will be destroyed!
 
103  INT.  DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - HALLWAY
 
Austin and Felicity enter through a hatch and step out of their spacesuits.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Let's find Dr. Evil.
 
Suddenly, Austin notices something.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Shhh...
 
He points.  We see a profile through a sheet of frosted glass.  It is Dr. Evil's distinctive
profile, with a machine gun.  Austin takes careful aim and FIRES.  We see the SHADOW take the hit,
and fall.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, you've done it! You got Dr. Evil!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Of course I did, baby, I got my mojo working overtime.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, I'm going ahead.  Cover my rear!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Oh, behave!
 
Felicity runs ahead.  Austin runs over to where the shadow came from.  He sees that it was not Dr.
Evil, but MINI-ME, carrying a little gun.  Austin is ashamed.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Poor little bugger.  He's so small, he's like a dog or something.
 
Austin chokes back a tear.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Poor little bugger.
                                       (realizing)
         Felicity, be careful! Dr. Evil is still alive! Felicity?
 
Austin runs after her.
 
104  INT.  DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM
 
Austin rounds the corner and comes upon Dr. Evil.
 
                                         AUSTIN
                               (holding his gun on Dr. Evil)
         Alright, slap-head, turn around.  Slowly.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Aren't you forgetting something?
 
A wall panel in the main chamber revolves, revealing FELICITY, enclosed in a glass tube.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Felicity!
                                      (to Dr. Evil)
         What have you done to her?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Don't worry, she's not dead...yet.
 
Brightly colored GAS starts to fill the glass chamber.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                  (muffled through glass)
         Don't worry about me Austin.  You've got to save the world!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         It looks like you have a choice, Powers: save the world, or save your
         girlfriend.
 
Austin is torn.  He looks back and forth between Felicity and the laser which is on the other side
of the room.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I've got my mojo back, man, I can do both.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         We'll see.  Fire the laser!
 
The woman manning the laser's joystick begins to MOVE IT.  Austin leaps across the room and reaches
her just in time.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Hands off my joystick, baby.
 
He wrestles with her a moment and then KNOCKS IT ASKEW.
 
105  EXT.  SPACE
 
The laser beam hits the Big Boy Rocket in the crotch and Big Boy's eyes cross in pain.
 
106  INT.  DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Damn you, Powers!
 
Dr. Evil hits a SELF-DESTRUCT button.  An ALARM blares.
 
                                      ANNOUNCER (VO)
         Warning! Self-destruct sequence initiated!
 
The base is rocked by EXPLOSIONS.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         See, Dr. Evil I told you I could do both.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Perhaps you spoke too soon.
 
Austin looks over.  Felicity has slumped over in the tube.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Noooooo!
 
Austin BANGS on the glass with his fists.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Felicity! Felicity.  Wake up! Wake up! Please God, don't take her away.
 
It is too late.  Dr. Evil runs through the TIME PORTAL and gets away.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Felicity, you have to understand, I thought I had my mojo back.  This isn't
         fair.
 
Austin looks up to the heavens.  We see a quick--
 
107  FLASHBACK - MONTAGE
 
of moments they shared, Austin making her laugh, their first kiss, of Felicity being her beautiful
and free-spirited self.
 
A tear runs down his cheek.  Austin presses his face against the glass as if trying to reach her.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I love you, Felicity! I know I couldn't say it before, but I really do love
         you!
                                        (enraged)
         Dr. Evil, I'll kill him!
 
Austin starts to chase him, but THREE PRIVATE ARMY MEN block his path.  Austin is like an animal. 
He charges toward the first soldier, RIPS HIS HEART OUT, and takes a bite out of it.
 
Then Austin turns to the second soldier and RIPS HIS SPINE OUT like in Mortal Kombat.  The soldier
slumps to the ground.
 
The last soldier is terrified.  Austin swings both fists simultaneously, crushing the guy's head
which EXPLODES LIKE A PUMPKIN.
 
Austin runs over to the TIME PORTAL set for "75 BC".  He runs through.
 
CUT TO:
 
108  INT.  ROMAN VILLA - 75 BC
 
An orgy is taking place.  Dr. Evil is in a toga with a laurel with two YOUNG ROMAN MEN feeding him
grapes.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         You make love to your wife out of duty, your mistress for pleasure, and a Roman
         boy for ecstasy.
                                     (noticing Austin)
         Shit.
 
He runs away as Austin appears through the TIME PORTAL.  Austin follows Dr. Evil into another TIME
PORTAL marked "1975".
 
109  EXT.  VENTURA BOULEVARD - 1975
 
Austin emerges from the TIME PORTAL to see Dr. Evil getting into a car.  Austin waves his hands and
a 1974 RED FORD TORINO with a white stripe pulls over.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I have to commandeer this vehicle.
                                        (noticing)
         Hey, aren't you Hutch?
 
                                        VOICE (OC)
         No.
 
We see PAUL MICHAEL GLASER (STARSKY).
 
                                    PAUL MICHAEL GLASER
         I'm Starsky.
 
                                        DAVID SOUL
         I'm Hutch.
 
Austin jumps in and the Torino speeds off.  Dr. Evil's car disappears into a car wash which is a
TIME PORTAL.  The Torino follows.
 
A sign at the car wash reads: "1911"
 
CUT TO:
 
110  EXT.  DECK OF THE TITANIC - 1911
 
Passengers in period garb walk past a lifesaver with "Titanic" stenciled above it.  Dr. Evil enters
through a portal with Austin hot on his heels.
 
                                       CAPTAIN (OS)
         Iceberg, dead ahead!
 
Suddenly the ship tilts at a radical angle.  LEONARDO DICAPRIO, KATE WINSLET, and JAMES CAMERON
slide by.
 
                                      JAMES CAMERON
         I'm king of the world!
 
Dr. Evil and Austin slide backwards into the TIME PORTAL they just came from.
 
CUT TO:
 
111  EXT.  LONDON STREET - DAY - 1999
 
Dr. Evil runs into the street with Austin chasing him.  In
SLO-MO Austin dives for a ridiculously long time, and TACKLES Dr. Evil, pinning him.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I'm going to kill you, you bastard!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
                                    (breathing heavily)
         Before you do that, know this: Austin, I am...your...father.
 
MUSIC: dramatic sting
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Really?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         No.  I can't back that up.  I was just grasping at straws.  I had nothing.  But
         isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers, you really have become a product of the
         Nineties.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         How so?
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         You're more interested in your job as glorified policeman than you are in
         love.  You won the battle, but I won the war.  Love means nothing, you've
         proved it.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I didn't think that Felicity was going to die, man.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         What a cowardly response.  I'm disappointed really.  You have the power to go
         back in time and save her, but it means letting me go.
 
Austin looks over and sees a TIME PORTAL.  Through it he can glimpse the lair, and Felicity.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Well, Mr. Powers, which is it going to be? Me or the girl?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Felicity!
 
Austin runs through.
 
CUT TO:
 
112  INT.  DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE - 60'S
 
We see the scene from a moment ago.  Felicity is in the glass tube and the BRIGHTLY COLORED GAS is
starting to fill it.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         It looks like you have a choice: save the world, or save your girlfriend.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I choose love, baby.
 
Austin runs over to the glass tube and SMASHES HIS FIST through it.  The glass SHATTERS and Austin
pulls Felicity out.  She gasps for air.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Felicity, I love you.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                       (breathless)
         But I thought-
 
                                         AUSTIN
         That was another place and another time, baby.
 
Austin kisses her for a long time.  She starts to twitch.
 
She struggles.  She hits him in the head and he finally stops kissing her.
 
                                        FELICITY
                                        (gasping)
         Can't.  Breathe.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Sorry, baby, I got a little over- stimulated.
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Fire the laser!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         What do we do?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Use your mojo!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I don't have it!
 
                                        FELICITY
         Trust me, you do!
 
Austin turns and gives a 'who me?' look over his bottom.  The woman arming the laser stumbles
backwards into the directional control just as it FIRES.
 
113  EXT.  SPACE
 
The Big Boy Rocket spins to avoid the laser as it passes harmlessly by.
 
114  INT.  NASA CONTROL ROOM
 
Jubilation.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         He did it, he saved the world!
                                      (calming down)
         Of course, I thought he might.
 
115  INT.  DR, EVILIS MOON BASE - MAIN ROOM
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, you did it!
 
They embrace.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Uh-oh.
                                         (beat)
         I think I just got my mojo back.  Really.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, you had it all along.  No one can take your, mojo away from you!
 
                                        DR. EVIL
         Good-bye, Mr. Powers, for the last time.
 
Dr. Evil hits the SELF-DESTRUCT button and climbs aboard the rocket, which blasts off.
 
116  EXT.  SPACE (CHEAP BLUE SCREEN EFFECT)
 
Dr. Evil's escape rocket in flight.
 
117  FULL SCREEN - RADAR
 
Dr. Evil's rocket enters the screen.  It has the silhouette of a flying penis.
 
118  INT.  RADAR ROOM
 
                                      RADAR OPERATOR
         Sir, you better have a look at this radar.
 
                                         COLONEL
         What is it?
 
                                      RADAR OPERATOR
         I don't know, sir.  It's hard to describe.  It's...it's-
 
CUT TO:
 
119  INT.  DOCTOR'S OFFICE
 
                                         DOCTOR
         Just a little prick!
 
The kid CRIES.
 
                                         DOCTOR
         All done!
                                     (out the window)
         Good lord, what is that? If I didn't know better I'd say it's a-
 
CUT TO:
 
120  INT.  CHINESE COMMUNIST CLASSROOM
 
                                     CHINESE TEACHER
         Wang!
 
One of the STUDENTS, dressed in a green Mao suit and clutching a red book is caught looking out the
window.
 
                                     CHINESE TEACHER
         Pay attention!
 
                                     CHINESE STUDENT
         I'm sorry, Comrade Teacher.
                                   (pointing out window)
         I was distracted by that enormous flying-
 
121  EXT.  BEACH
 
                                      RACHEL HUNTER
         Rod?
 
                                       ROD STEWART
         Yes, Rachel?
 
                                      RACHEL HUNTER
                                     (pointing to sky)
         What's that?
 
                                       ROD STEWART
                                       (looking up)
         It looks like a giant-
 
CUT TO:
 
122  INT.  CLASSROOM
 
                                     OLD LADY TEACHER
         Penis!
                                  (pointing to her chart)
         The male reproductive organ.  Also known as tallywhackers, wankers, schlongs,
         or--
 
CUT TO:
 
123  INT.  NASA CONTROL
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Peters!
 
                                      CAPTAIN PETERS
         Yes, sir?
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
         Any word from Austin?
 
                                      CAPTAIN PETERS
         We've picked up his signal, but the lunar base seems to self-destructing.
 
                                     BASIL EXPOSITION
                                     (on microphone)
         Austin, if you can hear me, use the time portal! There's no time to get to the
         lunar module! Use the time portal!
 
124  INT.  DR. EVIL'S MOON BASE
 
Austin stumbles.  Felicity looks at him.
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, you have to get to the time portal!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Come with me, Felicity! It's the only way out!
 
                                        FELICITY
         Austin, will I fit in the Nineties?
 
                                         AUSTIN
         If I did, anyone can.  Let's go, baby!
 
The TIME PORTAL is fifty feet away.  Austin and Felicity run towards it.  In the foreground are a
stack of conveniently placed barrels.  As they run behind the barrels, an obvious AUSTIN STUNT
DOUBLE and an obvious FELICITY STUNT DOUBLE emerge in their place.
 
The stunt doubles grab a winch hanging above them and cross over to the TIME PORTAL in a dramatic
series of acrobatic flips and stunts.
 
The stunt doubles run behind another conveniently placed pile of barrels.  Austin and Felicity
emerge in their place and run through the TIME PORTAL.  The TIME PORTAL reads "1999".
 
FADE TO BLACK:
 
125  INT.  AUSTIN'S PAD - 1999 - DAY
 
It is the most up-to-date modern apartment you've ever seen in your life.  There is a large screen
TV, a DVD player etc.
 
Movers move in tasteful modern furniture and various other accoutrements of moving.  Felicity puts
a CD on an old style turntable.
 
SFX:  SCREEEECH!!
 
                                        FELICITY
         Sorry!
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Don't worry baby it takes some getting used to.  Let me ask you Felicity, do
         you feel any side effects from the time travel?
 
Felicity smiles broadly, revealing that she now has TERRIBLE TEETH like Austin's.
 
                                        FELICITY
         I'm as healthy as a horse.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         I love you, Felicity.
 
                                        FELICITY
         And I love you.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Do you want to get married?
 
                                        FELICITY
         Absolutely not.
 
                                         AUSTIN
         Thank God.
 
They kiss.
 
FADE TO BLACK.
 
                                         THE END

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